


Underneath your skin

by moymoonlight



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2019-09-13 13:56:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16893906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moymoonlight/pseuds/moymoonlight
Summary: Baekhyun attempts at giving his attention to his friends, but his eyes stray to his one-sided love. He lets himself drink in the presence of Chanyeol in his oversized hoodie and sweatpants, messy curls, a loud mouth, and big ears. And glowing, like the brightest star— The Sun.His whole universe.





	1. Not yours

**Author's Note:**

> New work! And beginner author! Thank you for reading! Subscribe and comment is appreciated!

There were many words that could describe Chanyeol. Tall, large ears, big eyes, the happiest, and the kindest soul. _Park Chanyeol._ The man in the cafe, surrounded by his loud and large group of friends, laughing as he slaps his knee as he bends into half, in tears. Baekhyun thinks Chanyeol was beautiful at that moment. The crinkle in his eyes as he laughs, tears of laughter on the verge of falling, and the proud nose that he unconsciously scrunches whenever he laughs. Baekhyun finds himself agreeing (again) that Chanyeol was most beautiful when he is himself, whether he is laughing or crying— or both.

 

Jongdae nudges him with his elbow, startling Baekhyun from his train of thoughts. He smiles up at him and raises an eyebrow at his blonde friend.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

_Chanyeol_. He had wanted to answer. The tip of his tongue rolling to say the name of the man he fell in love with. But Baekhyun held his ground, gripped the half-emptied coffee mug he was holding a little tighter, and said with a teasing voice, “About the time Chanyeol tried to woo a girl in the club, and failed miserably.”

 

He gave Jongdae a smirk, knowing that it was loud enough to be heard by his group of friends.

 

Chanyeol pointed a finger at him from across the table as he attempts to keep himself balanced on the arm of the sofa for a makeshift seat, a look of betrayal on his face. “You said you would never talk about that!”

 

Baekhyun laughed genuinely. He had always liked it when Chanyeol looks at him. “ _I_ never said that. _You_ said that to the water pillar outside your apartment. Begging at it not to tell anyone.”

 

Chanyeol was red at this point, he lets a huff and crosses his arms like a child. “Well, I didn't remember any of that!”

 

Sehun slapped Chanyeol’s back as he laughs. “Of course you didn’t! You were drunk off your ass I bet!”

 

Baekhyun remembers that day, as clear as he remembers every other day he spends with Chanyeol. It was when Chanyeol had broken up with his 6-month girlfriend who he had claimed as his potential true love. Baekhyun had taken him to the club in an effort of cheering him up after 3 days of moping around in his apartment and stuffing himself with boxes of chocolate.

 

His friend had unfortunately drunk too much even with his high alcohol tolerance. By the end of the night, Chanyeol couldn't even walk straight as much as even stand. On their way home, while Baekhyun was searching for the right keys to Chanyeol’s apartment, the latter had gone to the red water pillar, patted it and went down on his knees thinking that it was Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun should've felt insulted because Chanyeol had thought he was as short as a water pillar. But, when the drunk Chanyeol had patted the top of the pillar with his palms grinning, Baekhyun almost melted into a puddle of goo.

 

The conversation had changed to a new one. His group of friends had always been fast-paced, never talking one at a time or focused on a single topic. Sometimes, Suho would have to scream for his voice to be heard over the others just so they could order food.

 

Baekhyun attempts at giving his attention to his friends, but his eyes stray to his one-sided love. He lets himself drink in the presence of Chanyeol in his oversized hoodie and sweatpants, messy curls, a loud mouth, and big ears. And glowing, like the brightest star— The Sun.

 

_His whole universe._

 

He looks away before his heart could burst into a thousand pieces of stars, of his affection for Chanyeol, and shards of glasses of pure pain of cruel hopeless love. The older calms himself, and starts quietly counting 10 backwards — a trick he saw on Youtube after searching ‘How to not be obvious when liking someone’. He looks anywhere but the man across him. Jongdae leans in again, halfway through his counting, whispering about how he needs to leave soon to finish an assignment.Baekhyun nods at him and calls for their attention. It took a while because they were too loud, and a shout of “Junmyeon’s buying everyone dinner.”

 

A surprised Junmyeon had whipped his head to turn to Baekhyun. He knows the man would have bought them something to eat anyways. After all, Junmyeon prides himself as the leader of the group as the man who had brought all 9 of them together to be close-knit friends. The crowd cheers and Baekhyun announces that the three of them has to leave to work on assignments. Jongdae and Sehun had already got up from their seat with the bags hanging on their shoulder waiting for Baekhyun. Jongin tries to lure Sehun to stay with promises of video games and extra chicken (Junmyeon disapproves at that), but Jongdae is quick to say no and drags Sehun out before the younger could change his mind.

 

Chanyeol follows Baekhyun out despite the others that had stayed inside after bidding cheery goodbyes. He stops Baekhyun outside by the elbow and the older looks up at him.

 

“Hey,” Chanyeol says.

 

“I don't think that's the right to say to someone going home,” Baekhyun says teasingly, glitter in his eyes because Chanyeol is in front of him. Looking at him and is so close. Chanyeol was never one short for skinship.

 

The taller rolls his eyes with a smile but turns serious shortly. “We didn’t talk much today.”

 

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow at his odd statement. He admits that it has been a few weeks since they had seen each other, but that was not unusual. Being a university students takes so much part of their time and it didn't help that they went to different universities. “So?”

 

Chanyeol rubs his neck. Baekhyun notes that his friend is nervous and he silently wonders why.

 

“Well, it’s been a while and I miss you.” Chanyeol is slightly pink and his hands had dropped and shoved into his padded jacket. Baekhyun’s heart flutters at ‘I miss you’ and he struggles to keep his heart from flying fearing it would break and left unamended. The older also notices how Chanyeol’s voice had gone softer as he speaks.

 

He continues. “ _So_ , come over tomorrow or whenever you can. We can do assignments together even if it's not the same thing.”

 

Baekhyun knows somethings up with the taller. He had always prided himself to be Chanyeol’s best friend and it wasn't only because he knew that was all he could ever be to Chanyeol. Baekhyun smiles a non-teasing smile at his taller friend at that thought and reached up to ruffle his already messy curls. The other let out a half grunt and whining sound. Baekhyun isn’t entirely sure how that sounds to most, but he lets himself imprint the sound in his mind, his heart— just like everything else Chanyeol does and says.

 

He coos at the taller and reaches up to ruffle Chanyeol’s hair. “So you missed hyung, huh? I’ll treat you to lunch next time and if I’m feeling generous I’ll even treat you to that bitter coffee you like to drink afterwards.”

 

Baekhyun counts to three before taking his hands off Chanyeol’s head, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to contain himself from hugging Chanyeol. He takes a step back after ruffling his hair and waved at his two friends that had already crossed the street. Jongdae whines a loud ‘Hurry up!’ from across the street. He holds up 2 fingers to him to show that he needs two minutes to talk to Chanyeol.

 

“No, it's not that Baekhyun.” 

 

Baekhyun pales slightly when he notices that Chanyeol’s not smiling. His stomach flutters and drops at the same time. He finally connects the dots why his friend had looked nervous.

 

“Chan, I’ve got to go. They’re waiting.” Baekhyun says hurriedly and attempts to leave. Chanyeol pulls him back with two heavy hands on his shoulder to turn Baekhyun to face him.

 

“Baekhyun.” His voice is a note lower, Baekhyun notes.

 

Chanyeol searches his eyes, slightly bending down to meet Baekhyun’s. “You haven't come over to my place in—‘ he forgets his words again, that’s very Chanyeol the older notes again. ‘Since _forever_.”

 

Chanyeol dramatically stresses his words. “ _Why_? Why haven't you come over? You’re always declining me. We don't hang out anymore.”

 

Baekhyun knows that he can’t escape from going to Chanyeol’s apartment forever. He would have to step into the place that Chanyeol calls his home, a place filled with so much presence and evidence of life and love and _Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol._

 

He weighs the consequence and options of declining and faking an excuse again. Baekhyun finally decides to be what he knows best: to be the Baekhyun that Chanyeol wants him to be. “Fine. I’ll come over if you want, you big baby.”

 

Chanyeol’s eyes widened along with his smile. “Really?”

 

The latter rolls his eyes. “Yes. I have to go now. Jongdae’s going to start whining at me the whole way back to campus again.”

 

Chanyeol laughs. “I’ll call you.”

 

“Don’t. Text me. I won’t be able to take your call if I’m in the library.” He says ignoring the fact that he never studies in the library. He just didn't want to hear Chanyeol’s voice in his ear. He wouldn’t be able o focus on anything the whole day or the next 3 days after that.

 

The taller laughs again and this time he pulls Baekhyun into a hug. The shorter of the two stiffens slightly before letting his hands wrap around Chanyeol’s body before patting his back as if asking to let go. They wave and Baekhyun crosses the street as Chanyeol watches him from the other side of the street.

 

He smells Chanyeol on him. And he hopes he it doesn't disappear by the time he reaches his apartment.

 

The next time they both meet again was a week after 3 calls from Chanyeol asking Baekhyun if he wants to come over, each with a different date, and each turned down. He had ignored and delayed his replies to the taller when Chanyeol had texted him as Baekhyun requested. The last call mostly consisted of Chanyeol whining and throwing a tantrum of how Baekhyun is not coming over despite him asking, asking and _asking_. The latter finally relented and agreed.

 

Baekhyun now stands behind the door to Chanyeol’s apartment. He fights the urge to turn around and pretend he had forgotten about his invite. But Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol would only get hurt over his actions. He nods to himself a few times agreeing and assuring himself that everything would be okay, that he can do this.

 

The door opens suddenly and Chanyeol’s face pops from behind the door. He shows him the brightest smile.

 

Baekhyun's heart clenches at the sight. He smiles knowing that stepping into that apartment would _definitely_ be a mistake. But Chanyeol greets him and grabs his hand leading him in, and he forgets everything but _Chanyeol_.

 

His everything.

 

Chanyeol’s apartment was exactly the same since his last visit Baekhyun notes as he steps in. The same old wallpaper, the same worn out rug and faded out sofa pushed back to the wall facing the TV. Chanyeol keeps his place clean enough for himself and his friends who visit him. Baekhyun knows that there’s always extra foldable beds shoved on top of his closet and blankets for people staying over. He remembers that Chanyeol’s room is opposite a small kitchen. He reminds to himself to steer clear from the bedroom to avoid a repeat of an incident he hopes Chanyeol never finds out.

 

Chanyeol drops his grip from Baekhyun’s hand. They look at each other for a while as if deciding what to say to each other. After all, Baekhyun is quieter when both of them are left together. Gone was the image of a person that screams life of the party and witty comments. Chanyeol looks as if he wanted to ask something, but Baekhyun steered himself to the living room, turned on the television and sat down at the sofa.

 

“Baek, want something to drink?” the taller asks instead from the kitchen. Baekhyun shouts for a coke and he hears a hum as a reply.

 

From his seat, the living room was unseen from the kitchen, and Baekhyun takes the opportunity to close his eyes and take a deep breath. _Breathe. Be his friend. Be normal. Normal. Normal. Norm-_

“Here.” Chanyeol interrupts placing a mug on the coffee table before plopping himself down next to Baekhyun.

 

He hums a thank you and brings the glass to his lips. “This is tea,” Baekhyun states with a raised brow.

 

“You got sick last week. You can’t drink sodas.” Chanyeol states without turning to Baekhyun as he rummages a bag he kept at the side of the table and pulls out a laptop. Unbeknownst to him, Baekhyun smiles as his heart warms and melts. He puts down the tea and takes out his own laptop after Baekhyun snaps himself out of his own fantasies. They work in silence except for the occasional sighs and furious typing on the keyboard.

 

By four in the evening, Baekhyun was half done with his essay on humanist philosophies and was no longer capable of holding back the question that nagged at his mind for the past 2 hours.

 

“Chanyeol,” he says barely a whisper.

 

The latter is seated on the floor and was crouching low to type at his laptop. He hums acknowledging him.

 

“How’d you know I was sick?”

 

Chanyeol’s typing stops and the boy looks up from his laptop screen to Baekhyun. “You drank hot coffee at the coffee shop last week.”

 

“What? How could you have known? Maybe I wanted to drink something hot.” Baekhyun is surprised. His voice is no longer a whisper as he hears his heart thumps loudly.

 

Chanyeol takes off his glasses at this point and pointedly looks at Baekhyun. “Baek, I’ve known you for years. You like cold drinks and you like to chew on ice. Even on the coldest winter, you drank Iced Americano.” he says as if to remind Baekhyun of his own drink preferences.

 

The two shared a look before Baekhyun breaks it and turns away to pretend to look at his phone. “Okay,” he says after a while in a quiet voice.

 

Chanyeol stopped working on his assignment after that and had crawled up on the sofa again next to Baekhyun. He removes the laptop sitting on his friend’s lap and in turn plops his head on it.

 

Baekhyun softly smacks his head, flustered. “What the hell.”

 

Chanyeol only hums and turns his head to meet his eyes before turning his face to face Baekhyun’s stomach before snuggling himself up against it.

 

Baekhyun is over the moon. His heart leapt, flew and thumped fast against his chest as he decides on where would be a normal place for friends to touch his friends. His hands fall on Chanyeol’s hair and he lets his slim fingers alternate between fiddling and smoothing the strands of Chanyeol’s curls.

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says in a muffled voice.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

 

Baekhyun hums without thinking and enjoys the feeling of his fingers on Chanyeol’s hair.

 

“I think I’m in love.” Baekhyun stills after hearing Chanyeol saying that.

 

“What?” he manages to croak out, but his fingers had frozen. His heart that leapt thumped hard against his chest fell and broke.

 

_I knew this was a mistake_. He feels tears welling up in his eyes. Baekhyun silently counts backwards from 10 to calm himself down.

 

“Do you remember the girl I brought to the cafe? The one that I was working with the assignment with?”

 

“Yeah.” He didn’t. Because he could only notice Chanyeol that day. Chanyeol in a jacket instead of his oversized hoodie and had switched up his glasses for contact lenses. Chanyeol who had greeted Baekhyun with the warmest tone, moon curved eyes and wide smile.

 

“Well we kinda hit it off, we like the same things and the same music and all. I think-‘ Baekhyun would’ve to beg Satan to whisk him away from Chanyeol’s apartment— from Chanyeol himself. He knows what’s coming next.

 

“— I like her.”

 

Baekhyun crashed. His heart burned, his stomach twisted, and he feels sick. _Oh how stupid_ , he thinks.

 

He’s tired of this. Every time Chanyeol likes a girl, the first one to know would be Baekhyun. He hates how he feels when Chanyeol would think of him first to only know that he has a girl in his mind.

 

He needs to leave.

 

He needs to get away from Chanyeol. He needs to stop himself from telling his best friend that he loves him too much. Knowing far too much that to stay by Chanyeol’s side, he could only be his friend. It hurts too much and Baekhyun could only wish that someone, _something_ would save him.

 

His phone suddenly rings. Sehun’s name flashes on the screen startling both of them. He picks up the call gladly. Chanyeol had turned to look at Baekhyun taking the call. The shorter looks anywhere but him. His eyes strained on the Tv as he speaks to his friend on the phone.

 

“Hey.”

 

“You were supposed to pick me up at 4 remember? You promised me you would come with me to the bakery I wanted to go.” Sehun says unhappily. Baekhyun could see him pouting as he speaks.

 

“Right. Sorry. I’ll leave now. Stay there.” He says to Sehun, hoping it didn’t sound strained to his friends.

 

“Fine. Ba-ba.” the other end says before ending the call with his usual way of his unusual of saying goodbye that Baekhyun had gotten far too used to.

 

Chanyeol gets up from his place on Baekhyun’s lap. “You have to go?” He sounds slightly disappointed. But Baekhyun just really wanted to leave. He needed to.

 

The shorter picks up his things and shoves them in his bag. “ Yeah. Sorry, Chan. I’ll, uh, come over another day and we could do this again” he says to compensate for him leaving.

 

“Okay. Take the taxi, don’t walk. Don’t forget your scarf. You get cold easily.”

 

Baekhyun allows himself to smile at Chanyeol as he picks his scarf from the hanger by the door.

 

“Yes, mom.”Baekhyun hopes the other didn’t notice the sourness in his voice.

 

“Call me if anything happens.” Chanyeol continues as Baekhyun opens the door and steps out.

 

The shorter nods. “Okay. Go back inside. I’ll be fine.”

 

Chanyeol gave him a disapproving look when Baekhyun didn't promise to call him again. “I will call you if anything happens. Even when Sehun slips on ice and fall on his butt again. Just to tell you the current gossip. Now go back inside. I’m leaving.”

 

Chanyeol smiles and bids him goodbye.

 

Baekhyun walks instead of taking a taxi. When he arrived at Sehun’s place, he was 20 minutes late. He was greeted with a sarcastic remark from Sehun, but with one look at Baekhyun’s face the younger pulls him in and cancels the trip to the bakery. They had leftover cakes and hot chocolate instead as Baekhyun bawled his eyes out unable to say anything. Sehun didn’t ask him knowing that Baekhyun will open up to him when he is ready to talk. The younger sticks with him through the night as he supplies the older with endless tissues and comforting hugs as they watch old cartoons.

 

The next day, Baekhyun woke up with a headache and swollen eyes. Sehun had curled up next to him on the floor on top of the thin duvet the younger had brought from his room last night. He groans quietly when he saw the time glaring 12 pm back at him. He sits up and brings his knees to his chest, letting his head fall on top of folded arms.

 

He remembers the events of last night and he feels like someone who had been hit by a truck, all sore and in pain, except inside.

 

“Don’t fuck with love they said.”

 

“Who said that?” Sehun asks with sleep laced in his voice as he sits up on his elbows and rubs his eyes at the same time.

 

_Me_. “No one. Morning. How are you feeling?”he says facing the younger from his position.

 

Sehun drops back on the floor and groans. “Hungry and sad.”

 

Baekhyun positions himself to fully face Sehun, surprised at Sehun’s answer. Sehun was always either angry, annoyed or pissed, and he would always (more than Baekhyun would have liked)tell other what he felt. But, Sehun had never stated that he is sad.

 

“Why are you sad?” he asks in a whisper despite bringing the only people in the apartment.

 

Sehun hums before answering, looking at the ceiling instead of the older. “Because you’re sad.”

 

Baekhyun smiles at Sehun. He crawls back to his place next to Sehun and lies down. “I’m not sad. So don’t be sad.”

 

Sehun finally looks at him. “Liar. If you weren’t sad, you wouldn’t have cried like that last night.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like you were about to die.” the younger says as he looks unwaveringly at the older.

 

Baekhyun smiles. It feels weird smiling after crying so hard yesterday. But he smiled, knowing that he needs to. “I was just reminded of my place. So, I was a little frustrated.”

 

Sehun raises an eyebrow. “Your place?” He didn’t know what Baekhyun was talking about. “Why would you cry about your place? Is the toilet breaking down again?”

 

This time, Baekhyun laughs, the high pitched and bubbly laughter Sehun knows. Both of them smiled even with a little scar hidden on each of their hearts. At that moment, at half past noon in Sehun’s apartment in a small street of Hamdong, they were content with what they are, at their place.

 

The next few weeks were filled with horrendous clashes of assignments deadlines. Baekhyun didn’t have a chance to think about Chanyeol or any of his feelings and he quite liked it. He liked being focused on things that he knows he can achieve and grasp in his hands. Chanyeol had called him a few times a few weeks ago, but he had let those calls go unanswered. Too busy, too focused on everything else.

 

He didn't want to get hurt again.

 

This time he won’t fall again for Chanyeol and his smiles, big hands, deep voice and soft smell of floral scented detergent.


	2. Never yours

“Baekhyun is really going through the phase where he avoids everyone again, huh,” Sehun says as his calls to Baekhyun go unanswered again. He plops on the sofa and stretches his legs. He’s had an inkling of why Baekhyun does what he does and somehow it’s got to do with a certain someone in their large group of loud friends.

He knows its Chanyeol. Baekhyun practically looks at him like he’s the sun and the whole universe. Chanyeol is just blind. Sehun rolls his eyes at the thought. But Sehun also knows that he’s a good dongsaeng. He knows that it's not his place to say anything— to intrude.

Sehun contemplates whether he should call Baekhyun again or not. He’s worried after all. The other had been looking tired lately. He knows that Baekhyun is always studying during this period of the semester. After all, it is 2 weeks to finals. He’s usually tired and less loud than he usually is. But this time, he looks like he’s at the end of his wits, like he’s tired of everything. Sehun’s thoughts broke when there’s a jingle of keys from behind the front door.

He knows who it is.

A familiar mop of black hair peeked in. He's busy with the keys— it got stuck again. Sehun doesn’t move to help him. He knows what’s going to happen next. He’s waiting for it. There’s a small smile playing on his lips.

Junmyeon sighs. “Please, don’t do this to me, keys,’ He tugs them hard. The key is still stuck. “Take yourself out of the hole if you want to be stuck. Please?’ He tugs them again.

“Pretty please?” he says in a small voice before tugging again, his lips curving downwards in concentration. Sehun holds back a smile. Junmyeon has a habit of talking to inanimate objects as if they’re people, most often he’s begging at them to do something. It’s a peculiar habit, but Sehun finds it adorable.

He’s fallen again.

The key is finally unstuck and Junmyeon cheers quietly before closing the door. “Sehun, I’m ho—“ he starts to call out and stops when he sees the younger. The elder blinks. _My_ _love_.

“Oh! You’re here!,” Junmyeon brightens up almost immediately. He shrugs off his coat and dark purple scarf, letting it fall on the floor as he skips to where Sehun is seated. Sehun takes note to hang the clothes up later. Junmyeon plops down on top of the him which elicited a groan from the younger as if it’s painful. It’s not, he loves it when Junmyeon does this to him. It’s sweet, but he knows it won’t end well for him. He relishes in the warmth of Junmyeon’s skin anyway.

Sehun lets Junmyeon lay on top of him. He knows he needs it: A soft pat on the head, fingers running through soft hair, untangling the stress and tension from work. “How was work?” Sehun asks as Junmyeon buries his face into his chest.

Sehun heard a whine and he holds back a smile because Junmyeon is really just too cute. “Work was so hard!”

“My boss is literally working me like a slave.” Junmyeon props up on his shoulders to talk to Sehun. He’s pouting, lips jutting out, puffed cheeks and all. Sehun could feel his heart clenching from the overload of cuteness. The younger gives him a small smile before running a hand through Junmyeon’s hair. He knows his good spots; he knows that the elder likes the slight scratch of his nails on his scalp, a soft knead at the base of his neck.

Junmyeon huffs, he speaks baby language and Sehun is about to burst with adoration, “He can’t do dwis to me I’m jwust an intwern—‘

Then, a long moan. “R-right there Sehun.”

The younger froze. Eyes wide. This is the first time Junmyeon had done that. He looked at the elder. Junmyeon’s eyes are closed and mouth slightly open as his brows scrunch a little in the middle.

Junmyeon looks exquisite. It’s a sin for someone to be cute and sexy at the same time.

Junmyeon is moaning his name. He can’t hear anything else but the broken record of Junmyeon’s voice and the orgasmic face of his unrequited love his brain had imprinted. He could feel the blood rushing to his head and the thumping of his heart, it’s going to jump out and he’s going to die.

 _He’s_ _going_ _to_ _die_ _because_ _of_ _Junmyeon_.

The elder seems to realise that Sehun had stopped moving his hands and was about to whine about it. But one look at the red-faced Sehun, he quickly detached himself from Sehun. He jumped from his position and sat at the end of the three seater couch, as if Sehun was a germ.

Sehun tries to not let his actions bother him. It hurts, he feels a familiar lump at the back of his throat and he surprises a sob. Sehun curses when he feels tears welling up in his eyes. He will _not_ cry in front of his crush again.

The mood had turned grey and Sehun’s stomach plummeted. He’s scared. The situation seems worse than the one he was in when he told Junmyeon about his feelings for him (in which he was ultimately rejected).

There’s an awkward silence.

Sehun knows that if he doesn’t do something their relationship could crack. He’s not going to let Junmyeon’s stupid (glorious) moaning ruin their friendship.

Junmyeon is all he has.  
Junmyeon is his everything.

Sehun decides to break the silence. He’s determined to save what’s left of his odd relationship with the elder. “S-so! Since you’re so stressed, m-maybe we should go out and do something tonight?”

Junmyeon’s head snapped towards him. They shared eye contact. He gulped and looked forward again. Sehun bit his lip and runs his forefinger’s nail across his wrist. He lets the pain blur his mind from the agony in his heart. He knows what Junmyeon is going to say. Sehun looks away from the elder. He can’t seem to let himself see the dim orange light outline his nose, the bridge between his eyes and the way it somehow makes his lips look soft. _So_ _soft_.

Junmyeon is so beautiful. But somehow Sehun couldn’t— _wouldn’t_ let himself look at his first love.

Oh how stupid, he thinks. The thumping in his heart slowed but his stomach remained queasy as if all that he ate is going to turn and wreck from the inside and out.

Junmyeon lets out a cough. He knows what’s coming next. Before Junmyeon could say anything, Sehun stood from his seat abruptly. He doesn’t want to die today. Doesn’t want to hear Junmyeon’s talk about how a relationship between men never works out. How it’s wrong.

Every ticking moment he’s spending with Junmyeon sends his skin prickling with desperation and the sweet pain of first love. He’s on his feet and stuffs his hands in his sweatpants. He’s shaking. “O-oh! L-look at the time!,” he cringes at how fake he sounds. He pushes through anyway. He can’t stand being in the same room as Junmyeon anymore. He’s too embarrassed, too hurt.

“I should be going to bed. I’ve got a big day tomorrow! F-finals and all.”

Junmyeon looks up at him from his end of the couch. “Really?” There’s relief in his voice but Sehun ignores it.

He nods quickly. “S-sorry, hyung,” he says before he makes his way to his room. He could feel Junmyeon’s eyes on him and he suddenly forgets how to walk. If he’s moving his feet right, or whether he was moving his ass too much. None of it matters, he’s just another kid that Junmyeon has to take care of.

Sehun drags his palms over his face when he reaches his room. He’s tired.

He trudge towards his bed without turning on the lights. He could still feel the heat on his cheeks. The scent of Junmyeon’s hair on his fingers. The perfume that Junmyeon uses that had transferred onto his pyjamas. I’m going to die. Sehun slides his window up to open it. He needs to breathe. All he knows is Junmyeon and his small smiles and tiny pouts, the crinkle in the corner of his eyes, the smell of his aftershave and faint perfume. He’s in love. He’s going to die in love with someone who would never look at him.

Sehun is in love with the loveliest monster that plays with his heart like a rag doll.

The cold winter wind caressed his face softly as though it knows how much pain he’s going through. He shouldn’t mind. After all, it’s been 9 years. He should be used to Junmyeon’s actions and words that means everything to him but nothing to the elder. He should be used to the pain, but it hurts anyway. He leans against the wall next to the window and pulls his knees up to his chest. He’s not crying, no, definitely not. He has no tears left to cry.

“I’m so stupid.”

*

In a dimly lit apartment, Baekhyun sat on the floor. A makeshift table from cardboard was pushed against the wall under a window. The man glares at the bills scattered on his desk. Baekhyun is screwed. He runs his fingers through his hair and pulled at the roots. He’s at the end of his wits. Baekhyun has assignments up to his nose and a part-time job at a coffee shop that he works at his every spare time. He’s tired and that was definitely an understatement.

Please go away, Baekhyun wishes as he presses the heels of his palms to his eyes, hoping the bills would magically disappear or even better, pay themselves. He opens his eyes a minute later only to find the bills staring back at him. He lets out a groan. He sighs discontentedly, running a hand through his hair for the third time of the day. He’ll need a third part-time job if he’s going to last the month and pay for the next semester's university resource fees.

And Chanyeol. He needs Chanyeol by his side, hugging him and— Baekhyun shakes his head. He needs to snap out of it.

He’s going crazy.

That night, Baekhyun fell asleep dreaming of Chanyeol in a house, he’s making coffee and Baekhyun’s watching him from the kitchen counter. The sunlight filters in and it shone on Chanyeol’s messy bed hair and sleep lines. He’s beautiful.

A pair of hands wraps around Chanyeol’s waist. The smile on Baekhyun’s lips falls. He’s staring into his hot mug of coffee before looking up again. This time its Chanyeol frowning at him. He’s holding hands with a girl. Baekhyun can’t hear him. But he knows from the furrowed eyebrows and the glare in his eyes, he knows that he’s furious at Baekhyun.

He can’t breathe. “-khyun! You’re disgusting! Don’t come near me ever again!” He falls to his knees and clutched at his throat. He’s trying hard to breathe and suddenly, he stops. He doesn’t care anymore. He sinks into a black hole.

His eyes snapped open. The sunlight is glaring at him and he sees dark spots behind his eyes. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and he feels sticky as if it was summer. Baekhyun tried to go back to sleep again by snuggling back into his pillow. He stops moving as if he’s forgotten something.

He’s late for class.

His day started out rotten. He was almost late for class (he’s never late). At the end of the day, Baekhyun finds himself dragging himself back to his small apartment. His part-time job at the coffee shop had drained him. But Baekhyun assures himself that once he starts another part-time job, money would be better. That means, he would worry less over keeping his apartment and himself alive. He sighs as he enters his small apartment and drops on his futon. Sleep takes over soon enough relishing Baekhyun from thinking about anything and even Chanyeol.

The next time his whole group of friends decide to gather again was a month after. Chanyeol had not contacted after Baekhyun let his calls go missed. A part of him was disappointed Chanyeol didn’t make more effort to talk to him. But, he was just a friend. A guy friend. After all, Chanyeol has lots of friends that could easily replace Baekhyun.

So Baekhyun plans all the situations he could think of. He’s nervous. How would he talk to Chanyeol? How should he even react to Chanyeol introducing his girlfriend? Baekhyun tries to remember how he reacted the last time Chanyeol introduced his girlfriend, but finds none. He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. As much as he loves his friends, he really just wants to skip all this ‘meet my friends’ thing Chanyeol wants to do. He bets his girlfriend is pretty, with long hair and even longer legs. They’d look so good together and the thought of that makes Baekhyun think twice whether he should even think of himself as someone that could be by Chanyeol’s side as more than just a friend.

“Well I don’t know if she’s leggy. But it’s Chanyeol,” he mutters under his breath as he crosses the street, hands shoved in the pockets of his coat.

Chanyeol is smart and funny. Tall but clumsy. And he’s a boy, all 6 inches of him, to the tips of his large ears, big hands and feet. Chanyeol is all the things girls like. Baekhyun bitterly thinks that his friend is big south too. He shakes his head at that thought when he pushes the door to the cafe.

He spots his friends that came early at the usual seats in the corner of the cafe. He sees Sehun sitting on the sofa next to Junmyeon. They’re leaning against each other. He notices the familiar look Sehun gives Junmyeon as he strokes the elder’s head that’s laid on his shoulder. He bites down a smile. Sehun is unnaturally quiet and when their eyes meet, the younger gives him a soft smile. Baekhyun puts two and two together. He knows, he’s got an inkling on what’s between his two friends but keeps quiet. Instead, he sits down on the sofa opposite Junmyeon and Sehun. A short while later, the rest files in the coffee shop. Junmyeon offers to buy hot coffee for everyone and the requests come in like children demanding for their toys. Baekhyun freezes in his seat when Chanyeol walks in. He knows because Jongdae had noisily greeted him.

The others were still making Junmyeon remember their orders. He panics and ditches the first part of his plan which was to act as normal as he can be. Baekhyun shoots up from his seat and volunteers to help.

“I’ll help! Minseok, Kyungsoo and Jongdae wants hot Americano, Sehun and Jongin hot chocolate with marshmallows, and Junmyeon and Yixing: hot lattes. Let’s go, hyung.” He says hurriedly before making his way to the counter to make the order. He recites the order to the cashier until he feels a body pressed up against his back and a voice he is all too familiar stating an extra order.

“Another hot Americano and an iced latte, please.” Chanyeol gives a card (most probably Junmyeon’s) to the girl in front of them.

The deep timber in his voice sends his stomach flipping. Baekhyun feels sick at himself. He’s tired of this. They move to the collection counter to wait for the drinks. The both of them were too quiet.

Baekhyun knows he has to say something. “Chan—‘

“Baek— Oh sorry. You go first.” Chanyeol smiles sheepishly at him, dimples peeking through his cheeks, curls swaying along as he shakes his head.

Baekhyun insists for Chanyeol to say what he wanted to first. He was speechless at how Chanyeol looked. He was shining. Baekhyun takes him in. Chanyeol had managed to tame his curls and wore his best blue button dress shirt that he had tucked into dark jeans. His friend looks great, hypnotising, or if Sehun would have said, “Daddy”.

Baekhyun decides that he loves the Chanyeol in his oversized t-shirt and hoodie more. He likes the Chanyeol that would keep on pushing his glasses up his nose because he had broken his glasses and pulls at the hems of his sweater to make sweater paws just because he thinks its cute. Yes, that Chanyeol is his best friend.

Baekhyun gives him a smile to urge him to continue speaking. Chanyeol returns it, dimples and lips stretching wide.

His Sun.

He quietly wonders how much longer he could play best friends with the man in front of him.

“So, I’m bringing her to meet you guys today.”

Baekhyun swallows down a swell in his throat and opts to only nod. He looks over the counter and wishes they would hurry it up with the orders.

“I mean, she’s not here yet. She has class. She’ll be here though, she said. I mean—”

Chanyeol was blabbering. Baekhyun looks at his friend and one-sided crush. “Okay. Cut to the chase and tell me what’s wrong.”

Chanyeol splutters and pouts. “Wha— nothing’s—‘

The shorter’s eyebrow shoots up before the latter could even finish his sentence. “You were talking so much, you didn’t notice you spat on me.”

Chanyeol turns red. He rubs his palms up and down Baekhyun’s arms to wipe the evidence of his spit was ever there. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, imitating an annoyed expression. “Chanyeol stop. That’s disgusting. Tell me or I’m telling the others about that one time you fell—‘

“Okay, okay.” He raises two palms at the other. “It’s just— I’m scared.”

Baekhyun looks at him expectantly to continue. The orders came one by one and Baekhyun takes the tray to carry it over back to their seat. Chanyeol takes it from him and continues talking on their way. Baekhyun’s stomach did a triple flip and straight into the pool of unrequited love.

“I mean. I know I’ve introduced you guys to my past girlfriends before,” Baekhyun inwardly winces at that. “But I think she’s still on the fence about me, even though I’m—‘

Baekhyun stares at the drinks on the tray that Chanyeol is carrying very hard. He really doesn’t want to listen to Chanyeol’s love problems. But pushing aside his feelings and jealousy, Baekhyun is first and foremost his friend. Be the bigger one in this damned relationship, he thinks to himself.

He turns to the taller after they’ve set the tray on the coffee table. He grabs at Chanyeol’s sleeve to get his attention. “Chanyeol. Look, if she’s still on the fence, you just have to convince her that you’re worth it. And, if she’s still,’ he quotes with two fingers “On the fence, her loss.” Baekhyun lets go of the sleeve and shrugs before sitting back down with their friends. “You’re a great guy, Yeol.”

Chanyeol gives him the widest smile, all teeth and crinkling eyes. Baekhyun takes it in, he wishes he could take a picture so he stares at it because this smile was directed to him. He wants to remember all he can about Chanyeol. If anything happens, if Chanyeol ever found out about that his best-friend has feelings for him— Baekhyun shudders.

He only wishes Chanyeol to remember him as his closest friend. He’s content, even with feeling like he was run over by a truck every time Chanyeol talks about a love that did not involve him in the picture.

He quietly thinks that Chanyeol’s happiness wins over everything else. Even his own.

Chanyeol sits down next to him on a short sofa. Baekhyun looks at his friend from the rim of his mug of hot vanilla latte and says teasingly “Well, I mean. Of course you’re a great guy, Yeol. You’re friends with me.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes and pretends to hit the shorter. Baekhyun laughs and he’s happy to find it sounding sincere. He was happiest when Chanyeol was himself. Not doubting his worth and not sad. He wants Chanyeol to be happy even more than his own happiness. Baekhyun thinks that his feelings for his friend would always come second.

Chanyeol was just _that_ important to Baekhyun.

But, the looming anticipation of Chanyeol’s girlfriend upsets him. Baekhyun tries not to think about how the couple will look in front of him. He tries to not think of the day when Chanyeol will finally marry.

Baekhyun wants Chanyeol to be happy. Even if that means letting everything in him breaks.

By the time he was halfway through his vanilla latte, Chanyeol had excitedly announced to his friends that the guest of honour is coming soon. Baekhyun sinks in his seat. He grips his mug a little tighter and revises the escape plan he hatched.

Keep it cool for 10 minutes. Make a very intelligent excuse and escape. Simple. Simple. Simp—

Chanyeol stood abruptly and waved at someone Baekhyun couldn’t see. He reckons it’s the girl. The girl shyly made her way toward the rest of the group. His group of friends must’ve intimidated her from the way 7 pairs of eyes blink expectantly at her. Baekhyun dares himself to glance at the girl standing next to Chanyeol.

He hopes, in some way or another, he would look better physically. He knows its petty, but he needs something to make himself feel a little better.

It didn’t.

Baekhyun regrets looking over at the couple. She was short and cute. Her brown hair came down to her shoulders with bangs that frame her small face. Baekhyun groans internally.

He’s lost.

Baekhyun is bitter. He was nowhere as cute as the girl standing next to Chanyeol.

They were holding hands and he wants to roll his eyes at the sight of it. His best friend was in the midst of introducing everyone to his still ‘on the fence’ girlfriend.

“And this is Baekhyun. He goes to the same university with Sehun and Jongdae.”

“Oh, I’ve heard so much about you!” The girl, who introduced herself as Hana says to him.

Baekhyun splutters. “Oh really?,” he side-eyes Chanyeol. “What did he say?”

“Oh not much. Just that you guys are close friends.”

Baekhyun nods. He hates small talks like this. It wastes his time he thinks. But, for the sake of maintaining a good friend image for Chanyeol, he pushes through and sends the girl a smile.

Chanyeol gave his seat to Hana. Baekhyun presses himself against Jongdae to make space for the girl. Chanyeol sat on a stool he pulled up from a nearby table, his legs all bunched up and he rests his hands on his knees. Baekhyun thinks he looks like a large dog waiting for a treat.

And Jongdae like the friend he is, delivers. A treat for everyone. “So, my parents’ friends have a hot spring and they’re willing to give us half price for 3 days 2 nights stay. You guys in?”

Baekhyun involuntarily stiffens. He quickly mentally calculates how much money he would have left after paying his bills. He’d kill for a break from studying.

“Of course, the lady is invited too. You guys can have a room to yourselves too,” Jongdae says and throws a kissy face to Chanyeol. The giant turns a pink shade before Junmyeon shushes Jongdae like how a mother does to her son. Hana lets out a soft giggle on his left. He sneaked a glance. He wished he didn’t.

Baekhyun’s heart sank when he caught the sneaky glances Chanyeol and Hana was doing.

He sank deeper in his seat, squashing Jongdae in the process. Jongdae hits him on the arm while whining in his ear. He ignores him. He sighs internally, fully knowing that going would not be even a choice if he doesn’t even have any cash to begin with.

“Right,” Sehun suddenly says. The mug was placed on the table and it was loud enough to get their friends’ attention. “Well, I think we have to go now, Baekhyun hyung.”

The older looks at Sehun like he’s grown another head. The youngest gives the group of friends the most exaggerated pout and whine. “Hyung, don’t tell me you forgot again! You promised you’d tutor me for my test!”

Baekhyun froze in his seat, trying to remember if he had done that. But Sehun was already gripping him by the elbows and pulling him up from his seat. The younger sends a ‘just go with it’ look to Baekhyun. He knows better than to disagree with Sehun.

“O-oh yeah. I forgot. Sorry guys.” He says, faking an apologetic look. Kyungsoo looks at them from the rim of his mug and Baekhyun hopes he won’t notice.

He turns to Hana before leaving. “Sorry, but I have to leave already. It’s nice to meet you though.”  
Sehun drags him out before the girl could say anything else.

When they turn the corner from the block, they stop at the junction to cross the road. Sehun’s grip on his arm finally relaxes and Baekhyun rubs his arm to ease the numbness. Sehun looks like he’s in a bad mood. His eyebrows were knitted tightly and he is grinding his teeth.

“Geez. What was that, Sehun?”

Sehun sighs and runs a hand through his brown hair. “I was saving you.”

The older raises an eyebrow, urging him to continue. “No, well. I was saving us.”

“From what?”

“From Chanyeol on your part. And Suho, for me.” They look at each other for a long time until the traffic light next to them beeps, signalling for people to cross the street.

Baekhyun takes on look at Sehun and knows that the younger is too riled up to talk now.

“Come on. Let’s go to that bakery you wanted to go yesterday.” He says, hooking his arm around Sehun’s.

‘Like Home’ bakery was small and hidden away than most streets. The walk to the shop was quiet despite Baekhyun having so many questions for Sehun. He thinks the questions can wait to know that Sehun is walking slower as time passes because it's getting too cold.

Luckily the bakery was warm and had little to none customers.

“Bubble tea and sweet toast?” Baekhyun asks Sehun. All he got was a nod before the younger sauntered off to the end of the cafe by the window for a seat.

Once, Sehun was warmed enough and his mood was better, Baekhyun pushes Sehun to tell him why they had abruptly left their friends.

“So? I bought you your bubble tea and everything. Mind telling me why we left and have to walk 4 blocks?”

Sehun pouts. “I saw your face when Hana entered.”

“She’s older than you, Sehun,” Baekhyun reminds him and the younger huffs, throwing a crumb at him.

‘Fine. I saw your face when you saw Hana noona and Chanyeol,’ he stops as if saying Chanyeol’s name actually disgusts him, ‘held hands.”

“Technically, Chanyeol is also older than you.”

He rolls his eyes. “He doesn’t deserve to be called that. And _don’t_ change the subject.” He says, pointing a pale finger at him.

Baekhyun swats it away and sighs. “Fine. I’ll talk. But, the same goes for you too. What was that just now with Junmyeon hyung? I mean, I know you guys have always been close. But, since when did you guys...?”

Sehun turned grim. Well, grimmer than before. “We’re not like that.”

“You guys were all over each other just now.” Baekhyun states as a matter of factly as he sips his drink.

The younger shakes his head. “Nah. He—‘ Sehun sighs before continuing, “He knows how I feel about him. But, he doesn’t see me that way.”

Baekhyun is silent now. He mulls over what Sehun told him. He’s not sure what to do with that information. No one besides Chanyeol has ever consulted him about love problems before. He’s a Chanyeol expert not a love expert! But he knows that he should be a good Hyundai. After all, he’s older and hence, he should lead sehun through his love trials. Even if he has close to none experience in love.

He clasped his hand together and said in a brighter tone, “Well, look at the bright side. You’re part of the unrequited love club!”

Sehun kicks him from under the table.

Baekhyun huffs as he rubs at the sore spot. He tried.

They parted ways after Baekhyun says he has other appointments. Sehun had given him a hug and a stern reminder to call him so that they could talk about ‘stupid Chanyeol’ (Sehun’s words, not his.) Baekhyun didn’t say anything to that and hopes Sehun would just forget it.

Just like how he hopes to forget about Chanyeol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone! I’ll be working on chapter 3 so I hope to upload the next chapter soon.


	3. Undying love

Winter break is in a month. Baekhyun does his best to work extra hours after his classes. That means cramming between his breaks to get his school work done. Lunch with Jongdae and Sehun are constantly cancelled until they realised that Baekhyun looked thinner and with even darker eye-bags. Sehun had been waiting outside to ambush him by sticking out his foot to trip the older. Baekhyun had comically flailed but saved from further embarrassment from other people when his friends hook each of their arms around him, breaking his fall. His protests was met with deaf ears and his friends dragged him to the cafeteria for a decent meal.

“Guys! I’m _fine_. It’s finals week.” He tries to reason with them. “You guys know how it is,” he says hoping that they would leave him at that. He wants to save every bit of money he has to go for the hot spring trip. He thinks he’s almost there with his part of the money when Jongdae had gave them the price for the trip on their group chat last week. Its considerably cheap but Baekhyun has always been careful with money.

“Baek, I know how you are during finals. But, you’re never like this.”

“Technically—‘

Baekhyun was pushed into a seat before he could even finish his sentence. He pouts at Jongdae. The latter gives him a hard stare instead, all frowns and thin lips with its ends quirking upside down. A comical sight for the ever laughing Jongdae. Jongdae decides Sehun is trusted enough to be able to restrain Baekhyun from running away and goes to buy him food. The man gives Baekhyun a warning glare that says ‘don’t-you-dare-pull-tricks’ before leaving the two.

Once the shorter man was out of sight, Sehun leans against his side. Chin on top of Baekhyun’s shoulder. His voice is soft and small as he speaks to the elder. “Hyung, is this about Chanyeol? Are you sad about him? I think he’s—‘

He sighs. “Sehun, please. It’s not Cha—,’ he stops himself, he didn’t want to say his name. Chanyeol’s name does things to Baekhyun. He compose himself before continuing. Baekhyun turns to Sehun to face him. “It’s not about him. I’m just busy studying my ass off for finals.” Sehun did not seem to believe him but decides to leave it at that anyway.

Baekhyun had not wanted to lie to the younger. But, the secret that he has kept for years is now finally known to someone else than him and his stupid adolescent diary kept under layers of clothes at the bottom of his closet.

He lets out a breath of relief when Sehun nods at him and had instead hook his arm around Baekhyun’s own. Sehun looks like he had problems of his own that he could never tell anyone else. Baekhyun reasons with himself that it wasn’t technically a lie. It was merely half of the truth. He _had_ been studying for finals but it’s not like he has to tell everyone about his undying and unrequited crush on a certain giant.

After he and Sehun left the coffee shop that day, Baekhyun had cut all contact from Chanyeol the following day and weeks. He thinks that he should remain focus on what he can see and grasp, unlike his stupid 11 year crush. He is determined to move on and forget about Chanyeol and his smile, laughter and warmth. But two days after their meeting at the cafe, Chanyeol had called him asking what he was doing and to talk about his day like they used too when they were younger. He lets himself revel in the attention Chanyeol was giving him. Baekhyun convinces himself that they are friends so _of course_ they can talk on the phone for hours. It doesn’t mean anything. They are friends. That night he fell asleep to Chanyeol’s soft voice in his ear. It was the best sleep he ever had and woke up feeling like the world is finally letting him breathe.

The high from the phone call came down after 3 days in the form of tattered and yellow envelope. Baekhyun keeps it in his diary and silently promises to come home once the semester ends.

He had not contacted Chanyeol for 2 weeks after that. Not that Chanyeol had contacted him again anyway. He must be busy with his new girlfriend.

He huffs. Baekhyun is not salty at all. _Definitely_ not. He is _absolutely_ fine without Chanyeol. He chides at himself when he realises he is thinking about Chanyeol again.

His thoughts came to a halt when he sees Jongdae manoeuvring a tray of food over to their table. He pushed the bowl of rice, bulgogi and seaweed soup towards Baekhyun and settled himself in front of him. Jongdae motions for him to eat. And Sehun even gave him a thumbs up. “Guys, you don't have to watch me eat you know? This is kinda weird.” Jongdae clicks his tongue and shot him a look which prompted Baekhyun to dip his spoon into his bowl. Throughout his lunch, Jongdae nags at him to finish every grain of rice and preaches how important it is to eat three meals a day. Sehun merely nods but joins in on the hard stare when Baekhyun attempts to escape by trying to fake answer a call.

 

*

The night shift at the convenience store wasn’t a taxing job. But the long shift at night did leave Baekhyun pale with dark circles and occasional headaches from lack of sleep. He continues on working two part time jobs anyway even after paying his rent and other bills. He just needs extra cash for the hot spring trip and maybe, if he’s frugal during the trip, he can save money for the coming semester and even come home for the holidays. He keeps himself busy enough, his mind is never idle. He doesn’t want to think. He doesn’t want to think about Chanyeol’s goofy smile, his nose scrunches and his habit of hitting someone next to him when he laughs. No, he’s definitely not thinking of the warm hugs and the floral scent he is so familiar with.

He misses him. Baekhyun aches for Chanyeol. He wants to hold his hand, ruffle his hair and—No, he’s definitely not going to think about Chanyeol. Baekhyun huffs as he continues to stack up packed biscuits in the convenience store. Focus he scold himself as he shuffles to the back of the store to check on their items.

It’s when he is alone in the confines of his own home that he starts to think and think and think.

And everything is about Chanyeol.

The dim lighting in his room doesn't help with the mood nor does the silence. Its worst when he closes his eyes to sleep. He dreams of their days when Chanyeol had spent more time with him. He dreamt of the times when he wasn’t pushing his feelings down so he could see the other smile. It was dawn when Baekhyun cried.

In his small apartment, after clocking off his shift from the convenient store, he had tiredly peel off his jacket and clothes to hop in the shower. He is tired. Tired of himself, tired of pretending to be fine and ignoring his own feelings.

He’s glad when his water heater decides to work. The warm water hits his cold skin, raising goosebumps. In the cramped bathroom he leans his head on the wall. Breathe.

_Breathe. Brea-_

He chokes out a sob. His eyes are burning as he tries to stop the tears from falling. Baekhyun pinches himself at the sides of his thighs and his stomach. _Keep it together, Baek._

He chokes out another sob and soon tears flow down freely. Mixing together with the streaming warm water.

“C-Chanyeol is h-happy.” _Look at me._

“C-Chanyeol is happy,” he repeats as if its a mantra. He holds back a sob. He is screaming but its silent. _Look at me too. I’m here._

He wish Chanyeol would look his way. The way he would look at a girl.

He wishes he could make Chanyeol nervous like Hana did.

He wishes that his large hands would wrap around his. But, Chanyeol is smiling. He remembers how the latter had looked at Hana. And how could he, his _best friend_ ruin that?

Baekhyun lets himself cry as he remembers all the times Chanyeol had smiled at him. The hugs and weird nicknames he calls Baekhyun. His heart is sinking, but he smiles through his tears. He is Chanyeol’s best friend. And that should be enough for someone like him.

“He’s happy,” Baekhyun repeats as he claws at his skin, digging deep. He is not crying because of Chanyeol. His lips trembles and he bites down hard at it, rubbing his eyes to stop himself from crying. Baekhyun leans his forehead against the rough, cool brick of the bathroom walls— exhausted. The water heater is no longer working, streams of cold water now flows down the top of his head, his nape, his back and everywhere. He is cold but the thought of Chanyeol burns in him like an everlasting fire.

 

_God, I love you Chanyeol._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Chapter 4 coming soon! Will probably upload Chapter 4 at the end of this week or next week.


	4. Tiny Bud

Baekhyun had changed. Slowly, overtime. 

 

He used to be so loud, outspoken— alive. Next to Chanyeol, he felt almost invisible. But love works in a mysterious way. Or perhaps, his one sided love was destined to be doomed from the start. 

 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol who could not be separated initially had eventually be Baekhyun, and Chanyeol. Two individuals. Perhaps, this was Baekhyun’s fault (like most things, he thinks and believes). He had made himself into a sideliner, a wallflower in their friendship. No more breakfast, lunch or dinner together. Thus, meaning no longer sleepovers and late night talks. 

 

He thrives and dies because of Chanyeol. He feels it in his blood, the thump in his heart, the stinging in his eyes. His love is doomed. 

 

He knows. He  _ knows.  _

 

But Chanyeol always reel him back in. Keeps him close by, not too far yet not to close. It feels good but it hurts like a bitch too. The reason why he’s scratching at his skin leaving red and pink marks across pale skin. 

 

It was late November. The trip to the hot springs were in 2 days. Baekhyun was not excited. He dreads agreeing to the trip when he thinks he would have to watch Chanyeol and his girlfriend do coupl-y things. He huffs. A cold puff of air appears and dissolves quickly. Baekhyun tightens his jacket around his body and tries to walk faster but the weight of his reference books and notes from studying before his last paper were definitely not helping. His bag seemed to drag him down with each step, making an embarrassing sound that goes thud, thud, thud as he takes each step. The winter breeze seemed to howl at him for making such ridiculous noise in the middle of the night. He shivers and walks faster instead towards his second part-time job at the convenience store near his place. 

 

Pushing the glass door open, he was immediately greeted with the familiar sound of cheap speakers playing overplayed mainstream music. Ms.Kim, was already waiting for him to step off from her shift. He bid her good night as he slips on the customary staff vest. Orange and green with block letters that spelled the store’s name. His thoughts trailed away as he counts the money in the register, nodding to the beat of a song he doesn’t know the title of. 

 

“Baekhyun.” 

 

He jumps. His heart freezes, his blood turned cold and his breath seemed to be stuck in his lungs. He knows that voice. Deep, rich and oh so familiar. 

 

_ Chanyeol.  _

 

He knows it's him. Because the next thing he hears is his name again. This time less curt, soft and pleading.  Baekhyun wills himself to look up. He regrets almost immediately. Chanyeol looked like a kicked puppy. Red cheeks and messy hair from the cold wind, his large coat that hangs on him, the sweater paws and  _ god, it’s Chanyeol.  _ He sucks in a breath, held it in his throat, his chest and lets it go slowly. 

 

_ Breathe.  _

 

Chanyeol is standing in front of him. Baekhyun reels and mulls, he was not supposed to be here. He was  _ never _ supposed to be here, in this crappy side of town where garbage was piled up at every corner, suspicious free loan fliers that littered the walls and streets.  No, thought Baekhyun, it wasn’t even about where he lives anymore. Chanyeol was just never supposed to be here. Never supposed to know that Baekhyun was living like _ this.  _ He knows Chanyeol. Knows that Chanyeol would offer him a room in his apartment, knows that he would try and pay for his meals. He knows Chanyeol, of course he  _ knows _ his best friend, his first love— the angel. 

 

“Baekkie.” Chanyeol says, eyes turned soft, a small smile. And Baekhyun knows like he knows most things about the giant in front of him, that he feels the slight tension and electric awkwardness in the air. Chanyeol offers his palm slowly over the counter, turning it upside where Baekhyun can see the rough calluses on the pads of his fingers. His heart clenches. He slowly lets go of the breath he had unconsciously held onto. Chanyeol is asking for permission. Seeking for entrance, imploring Baekhyun to accept his presence. To show that the shorter wants and needs him at the moment. And Baekhyun could never refuse. Not when Chanyeol looks so patient and reliable. But this time, Baekhyun pinches his wrist and thighs. The pain lulls the ache in his heart, kills the fluttering butterflies in his stomach. It wakes him up from the dream of falling deeper into Chanyeol, a useless fantasy. So Baekhyun held his ground, hides his hands in his pockets and looks down at the counter. Chanyeol looks at his extended palms, sensed the thick awkwardness in the air and withdrew it. From the reflection of the glass counter, Baekhyun could see Chanyeol’s face falling. He gripped the edge of the counter harder,  knuckles white, a sharp corner digs into his palm. 

 

Baekhyun could easily understand Chanyeol and his expressions. Not that Chanyeol was ever good of hiding things from others. He was, after all, very expressive. From the look that he had on just a minute ago, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out how hurt Chanyeol is when Baekhyun refused his hand. Perhaps refusing to take Chanyeol’s hand would not have been such a big matter to Chanyeol, to the both of them, if only Baekhyun had ever done so.  He wants to rip himself apart. Why couldn’t he just stay away from Chanyeol? Why couldn’t  _ Chanyeol _ just stay away from him? For fuck’s sake, why did he have to crush on his  _ best friend.  _

 

The silence between them is deafening. The music in the store seemed to deeply contrast the atmosphere in the store. Baekhyun heaves out a sigh. Baekhyun was the first to break the silence. He lets out a little laugh. But Chanyeol did not given him any reaction of sorts. He wasn’t even looking at him. “Sorry, Chanyeol. You just surprised me, that’s all.” Baekhyun says, smiling at him. But it feels strained. He’s sure he looks like the Grinch. Chanyeol looks at him before shaking his head, a small smile on his lips, relenting and surrendering. He was always weak to Baekhyun’s voice. “It’s okay. I did kinda just pop out of the blue here.” 

 

There’s a beat of silence before Baekhyun starts again. His voice is small and unsure. “Why— I mean. How did you know I was here?”

Chanyeol brings a hand to touch his neck. Baekhyun looks away. He knows that meant ‘sorry, I’m guilty.’ 

“I followed you.” 

 

His stomach pummeled. Breathe, Baekhyun thought. He wills himself to take small breaths. But his throbbing headache is back, throbbing and thudding. And everything is spinning and ringing. He steadies himself and leans at the cupboards behind him. Baekhyun lets out a breath before speaking, his voice trembled at first and he cringes inwardly. “So, what are you doing here?” 

 

Chanyeol looks at him for a long while. His eyes rake over Baekhyun’s face, as if he was solving a difficult puzzle. The giant then heaves out a sigh. Baekhyun tenses at the sound of it then forces himself to relax.  _ Breathe,  _ he wills, looking at the neon packaging of cheap snacks on the rack. 

 

He rounds the counter and slides behind it to corner Baekhyun like a trapped mouse. He pressed himself against the glass case. The 11 centimetre of height difference was starking, but more than that, he could feel the heat radiating from Chanyeol. Close. And Baekhyun feels like he’s going to tell him everything and bury himself crying to the ground. 

 

_ Oh God,  _ he thinks. 

 

Just from being  _ this _ close. He sucks in a breath and immediately regrets it. He is trembling as he struggles to suppress the emotion that is bubbling inside him. Baekhyun presses his lips thin together, focuses on anything but Chanyeol’s chest, and throat, his scent and heat. 

 

But Chanyeol,  _ god.  _ The epitome of all good and bad things, the cause of his death, really. He brings his hand up and lets it ghost on the side of his face. Baekhyun stiffened at the slight contact, the heat and it sends a shiver down his spine, an electric jolt across his skin, raising goosebumps and a low sound from his throat. He gripes at the edge of his shirt, focuses on the crumpling fabric in his palm. Baekhyun wishes that he wouldn’t stop, please don’t, he pleads quietly, mind buzzing and numb from just a touch. 

 

And, god bless Chanyeol because his hand drops to touch the junction between Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder, softly, setting a slow fire in his spine, his cheeks and ears. He wonders up how Chanyeol looks right now. Probably teasing, he thinks but is only met with an unwavering gaze, dark and intense. Chanyeol’s eyes lock into his and Baekhyun chokes back a whine. He desperately clenches his fist trying to hold back the rise of emotion that threatens to spill like an overfilled cup. 

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, voice low, a rough whisper. 

 

Baekhyun could not bring himself to break eye contact. So he looks, stares and gaze at Chanyeol like he’s the one that hung the moon and burns the sight to his mind. Baekhyun felt like melting, and maybe he is. Right now. Chanyeol brings him closer, into his arms, and everything that he touches sets Baekhyun on fire. He’s fucking molten. A voice in the back of his mind pleads for Baekhyun to let Chanyeol hug him, whispering tiny hopes that maybe,  _ maybe  _ Chanyeol is in love with him too. But he knows all too well that Chanyeol is just his straight best friend with a girlfriend waiting for his call. So Baekhyun presses a weak hand against Chanyeol’s chest in an attempt to push him away. But, Chanyeol is bigger, stronger, and the feeling of muscle under his sweater was good and warm. Baekhyun can’t help but let himself enveloped in a hug. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

_ * _

 

They end up outside the convenience store after Baekhyun’s shift ends. One of the workers had found them pressed up against the counter and had let Baekhyun off when Chanyeol gave him a charming smile asking for Baekhyun to leave early. He keeps a safe distance from Chanyeol. Even though he’s buzzing from the hug, already aching for more. It felt more than a friendly hug,  _ too _ intimate,  _ too _ close,  _ too _ long. But he knows. Yet apart of him is screaming for Chanyeol to look at him, to hug him and kiss him like he’s  _ the _ one. 

 

“Chanyeol, you should go.” He croaks our eventually after a long silence. 

 

Chanyeol who was wrapped up in his jacket, snapped his head to Baekhyun, a pout already forming on his lips. “But the bus already left!” 

 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and digs his hands into his hoodie. “Then, call for a cab.” He’s adamant not to let himself dragged into Chanyeol’s pace and his ducking space. 

 

“I can’t!” 

 

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow. Chanyeol gave him a smug smile as he holds up his phone. “It’s dead.” 

 

“I have a charger.” 

 

Chanyeol whines.

  
  


*

 

Chanyeol skips ahead of him even though he does not have any clue where he is going. Baekhyun had begrudgingly give in to Chanyeol. He smiles a little knowing how happy Chanyeol had looked when he caved in to his request if staying over. Chanyeol looked like the sun on a cold winter night, warming his chest, and for a few seconds he lets himself believe that he deserves that smile. 

 

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol called out from a few steps ahead. He was scratching his head as if he’s just realised something. “Which way are we going?” 

 

Baekhyun bites back a smile and rolls his eyes. “This way, idiot.” He says as he jogs over to Chanyeol. 

 

“Hey!” Chanyeol retorted, a playful pout on his lips. “You’re not calling me sunshine?” 

 

Baekhyun stops in his tracks and feels blood rushing to his ears and cheeks. “Not while you’re following me around like a puppy.” He manages to croak out. 

 

Chanyeol lets out a whine but didn’t say anything else until they reached Baekhyun’s sad excuse of an apartment. Chanyeol took a long look at the building as if he’s taking in every crack and peel of worn down paint. Suddenly Baekhyun feels self-conscious again. He knows he’s not supposed to be embarrassed. But, god this is humiliating. Then Chanyeol turns to him, dorky smile in place and whipped up hair from the wind to pair with. “Yay! Sleepover!” 

 

Baekhyun couldn’t help but catch into a smile. He releases a relieved breath of air before leading Chanyeol up the metal staircase to the second floor. 

 

It’s when he turns his key around that he feels the fear and embarrassment creeping up from his stomach again. He presses his back to his door and faces Chanyeol, swallowing deeply. 

 

“Hey, um.’ There’s a beat of silence and Chanyeol raised an eyebrow for him to continue. He melts a little at that. “My place is…” he continues but couldn’t find the right words to describe his living condition. 

 

“Baek. It’s okay.” Chanyeol says in an understanding voice. It was all smooth and cool, Baekhyun couldn’t help but lean forward and hug him. His arms circling the middle of his waist and cheeks pressed up against his chest. He feels Chanyeol tensed up and immediate retracts.  _ God how embarrassing. Why did I even do that?  _ Baekhyun thinks as he fumbles with his key. 

 

He’s in the middle of boiling hot water for some tea while Chanyeol is sitting in the middle of his living room slash bedroom slash closet. He sighs as he puts the kettle in its socket and finally leaves the kitchen. 

 

The floor creaks every time he steps, making it impossible to creep and stay quiet. Chanyeol snaps his head to look at where the sound came from, and their eyes met before Baekhyun cowardly ducks and takes a seat at the opposite end of the room. He sits against the wall, all defensive, knees to his chest and hands hidden under the joint of his knees. It’s awkward again and Baekhyun could only blame himself for letting this situation happen. 

 

“So.” Chanyeol starts. 

 

“So.” He repeats, like an idiot. 

 

Chanyeol licks his lips and rubs his neck. Something that he does whenever he’s nervous, and unsure. Baekhyun sighs making Chanyeol look up at him with the same eyes he had back at the convenience store. He looks away immediately.

 

“Chanyeol. What are you doing here?” He sounds resigned and truthfully, he is. Baekhyun is tired of dancing around his feelings and tiptoeing around Chanyeol. He just wants closure and to finally feel like he’s not a disgusting shit of human who wants someone else’s boyfriend. 

 

“Baekhyun. I just—’ he stops himself. There’s a sigh, the sound of wrestling of clothes and creaking of the floors. Baekhyun knows he’s moving closer to him, but he has a barricade and he’s convinced nothing could bring it down. 

 

Chanyeol sits in front of him the same way. “Baekhyun.” He says in a whisper. “Look at me.” Chanyeol seemed to beg but Baekhyun seems to find his toes more interesting. It wasn’t really, Chanyeol’s voice was so close to him, so deep and soft and he feels like melting into goo. And his toes are much bigger than Baekhyun’s. And hairier. 

 

He flinches when Chanyeol touches his knee from the hole in his jeans. He purses his lips and inwardly cursed his poor jeans. It wasn’t ripped jeans, it was ripped up jeans. He huffs trying to think about anything else but Chanyeol. It’s impossible, just like every time he tries. Because this time, Chanyeol is in front of him, in his room, breathing the same fucking air as him. And could it get any better or worse. 

 

He brings a hand and tugs at Baekhyun’s chin upward. They held eye contact and Chanyeol speaks. “Baekhyun,” he admonishes when the other tries to look anywhere else. The firmness of his voice startled Baekhyun and his lips jutted out into an involuntary pout. “We need to talk. Okay?” Chanyeol asks, less firm, more soft Chanyeol. Baekhyun feels warm and more comfortable now. He let’s Chanyeol’s palms move from his knee to his thighs. He gives a nod but the pout is still there. 

“What’s going on with you? Is there anything wrong back home?” 

 

Baekhyun turned stiff and shakes his head adamantly. Chanyeol doesn’t need to know. 

 

He moves closer by grabbing Baekhyun’s thighs and pulling himself forward, knees touching. Chanyeol puts his chin on top of his knees, still looking into Baekhyun’s eyes. The pout had disformed and turned into a series of nervous case of biting his lips. “Then, is it me?” 

 

Baekhyun feels himself go cold as if a Death Eater was sucking all the life and warmth from him. He pulls into himself, tries to ignore the nauseous feeling of his stomach dropping. Chanyeol suddenly moves away from him, making Baekhyun look up. He should not have done that though because he’s met with eyes brimming with tears and a downturned smile. 

 

“So, it’s me?” 

 

There’s a beat but Baekhyun couldn’t move, not when he’s freezing and numb and all he wants to do is forget and forget. 

 

“Did I do something wrong?” he croaks out and something inside Baekhyun breaks. 

 

He wills himself to move, to do  _ something _ . Baekhyun shakes his head, slowly. Tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. He purses his lips, biting until he tastes blood before he could bring himself to speak. “It’s not you. You didn’t do anything.” he manages to say. 

 

Then Chanyeol was in front of him again, kneeling but still so large and big and he was Baekhyun’s safe place and home, until he wasn’t anymore. Chanyeol wasn’t his anymore. Chanyeol grabs his hands and looks at him in the eyes, desperate and sincere. “Then what is it? Why are you acting like we’re strangers? Why—” Chanyeol couldn’t continue because he’s choking in his own tears. 

 

Baekhyun presses his lips softly to Chanyeol’s hand. It was a short second, but his lips were burning. He shouldn’t have, but he desperately wanted Chanyeol to stop asking him questions that he couldn’t answer. 

 

Chanyeol looks down at him and takes a deep breath. There’s a long silence. Baekhyun still wouldn’t look at Chanyeol and Chanyeol himself wouldn’t let go of his hand, eyes training on the spot where Baekhyun had kissed. Then the high pitched whistling from the kettle pierced the quiet room. They both jumped apart. Baekhyun immediately took the chance to stand and murmured that he’ll get the tea. 

Chanyeol let’s him, but doesn’t let go of Baekhyun’s hand until he’s too far. Then he looks at his hands, staring at it as if it was something else. 

 

Baekhyun settles two mugs on a makeshift cupboard that he uses as a table. He should be embarrassed but Baekhyun just doesn’t care, he’s tired, exhausted of how he’s feeling and what had happened. They drink in silence and when Chanyeol finishes his first, Baekhyun finally speaks. 

 

“Go home once the bus starts running.” 

 

Chanyeol was silent but his surprised, it's obvious from how his mouth was wide agape. Then he closes it and fold his arm to his chest. “No.” he says adamantly. 

 

Something Baekhyun ticks and fires up. “Chan-’

 

“I’m not leaving until you tell me something.”he says each word without breaking eye contact. 

 

Baekhyun breaks it first. Breathes. And starts again. Tries to reason. “Chanyeol.” 

 

“ _ Baekhyun _ .” 

 

And Baekhyun knows he’s lost. 

 

“Fine,” he says standing up to grab his mug to the sink. He’s unconsciously stomping his way to the kitchen and the sight leaves Chanyeol breaking into a smile. When he came back from the kitchen, Chanyeol was already laying out the old futon and pillows. He catches Baekhyun gaping at the doorway and smiles smugly. Baekhyun narrows his eyes at him and pushes him out of the way as he makes his way to his part of the futon. He sleeps facing away from the distraction. When he hears the creaking of the floors that sounds like Chanyeol was about to lie down, Baekhyun grabs the rest of the futon and wraps it around him. 

 

“Hey!”

 

Baekhyun turns back to see the betrayed look on Chanyeol’s face. He smirks, sticking a tongue out before turning back to his side. 

  
  
  
  


* 

Baekhyun is awoken from his sleep when something heavy draped over his chest. He turns to his side to push it away with closed eyes, grunting. But once he did that the heavy thing returned to its place on top of his chest again, and this time it wouldn’t budge. So Baekhyun turns, frowning even with half lidded eyes. What he doesn’t expect is to see Chanyeol blinking at him, glinting mischievously. He slaps Chanyeol’s arm away and clicks his tongue before turning back to his side to return sleeping. But Chanyeol whines in his ear about breakfast and even drapes a leg over his waist. Baekhyun did not mind that, after all he’s wrapped up in a blanket and nothing could touch him. 

 

Chanyeol, however, has other plans, knows Baekhyun like the back of his hand. He scoots closer, lets his head take most of the space on his friend’s pillow. Lets him know that he’s pressed up behind him. He props himself away with his elbow and stares at Baekhyun’s sleeping face. There’s a beat of silence and peace.

 

Then, there wasn’t any. 

 

Baekhyun wakes up shrieking like a parrot and Chanyeol is sure they’ve woken up all their neighbours and everyone else within 2 block radius. A red faced Baekhyun is standing pressed up at the door glaring at him, one hand pressed on the side where Chanyeol had licked. Chanyeol thinks that maybe licking his nape are one of the top 5 stupid things that he’s done— or the best. He gives Baekhyun a grin and a thumbs up. In return, Baekhyun flipped him the bird and even threw him a pillow for good measure. 

 

It’s only when he hears Baekhyun shutting the bathroom door shut and the showers are running that he lets himself drop the smile. He presses a hand against his chest and wonders why he’s feeling weird instead. He mulls over the difference in personality of yesterday’s Baekhyun and today’s Baekhyun. He sits cross legged and tries to come to terms with himself. He wonders why he thought that Baekhyun looked adorable last night despite not liking seeing his friend cry. He grunts at himself.  _ Okay, he looked so adorable I had to stop crying to see him better.  _ His mind flashes back to the scene from yesterday. Baekhyun had looked so small sitting pressed up to the wall with his knees to his chest. The red nose and red lined eyes brimming with tears threatening to fall had stirred something in Chanyeol. The small nod that Baekhyun did sent his nerves on fire, raising goosebumps and heart rate. So soft and small and cute and Chanyeol wants to cuddle and coddle him and  _ kiss— _

 

Chanyeol slapped himself on his forehead and whines pathetically after. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update even though I promised you guys an update weeks ago. I was drowning in my research paper and now that I'm finally free, I was able to finish this chapter after editing it so many times! 
> 
> if you're on twitter, tell me how you like the story so far at @moymoonlight !
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	5. The Truth About Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with a new chapter! Thanks for reading! Remember to comment and kudos! 
> 
> It’d also be nice if y’all tell me what you guys liked so far! 
> 
> Follow me on twitter @moymoonlight

This was not supposed to happen. Baekhyun thinks. 

 

He gripped hard at the blanket and closed his eyes. He’s trying to block the sound of Chanyeol out. 

 

The sound of him speaking lowly and sweetly into his phone. Hanna had called late in the afternoon, startling them from their Disney movie marathon. Baekhyun dreaded it but he gives Chanyeol a smile anyway as he shoos him away. He pretends to want to sleep. Pretends to not hear Chanyeol making his apology for not calling, pretends not to hear the lie that came next from his mouth. 

 

“I know, Hanna. I was with a friend and I didn’t realise my phone died. Babe, I promise you I won’t do it again, okay?” 

 

Baekhyun felt sick in his stomach. Bile rising, tears brimming.  _ What were they even doing? _ Chanyeol was supposed to live as soon as the bus started but he’s still here. And Baekhyun didn’t even make any effort to even throw him out of his place. He wraps his arms around his middle and curls like a baby, his blanket over his head like a fort. 

 

He tugs at the skin on his side and scoffed. Chanyeol had called him baby too. Baekhyun pinches the skin again, knowing it’ll leave a bruise. The pain keeps him distracted from what he’s done, what he had done with Chanyeol, and his fucking  _ feelings _ . 

 

“Okay baby, I know, I’ll pick you up from your place tomorrow.” Chanyeol says before he ends the call.  _ God why were his walls so thin? _ Baekhyun freezes when he hears the front door creak open. He shuts his eyes close and hopes that Chanyeol would leave him be. 

 

“Baek?” There’s shuffling of clothes and he feels Chanyeol sitting behind him. “Baek, you asleep?” 

 

He ignores it. Ignores the touch on his arm, the warm hand that ruffle through his hair and the soft kiss on his temple. 

 

Then the front door opens and closes again. And, silence.

 

The day of the trip finally came. Everyone filed into the bus that’s taking them to the hot spring resort, all happy and excited. Once they all settled in, 5 minutes from departure, Chanyeol asked from his seat. “Hey, when’s Baekhyun arriving?” 

 

Jongdae who seemed to be the only to hear him, leaned out from his seat to speak. “Oh, he texted me and said he couldn’t come.” 

 

Chanyeol raised both of his eyebrows, surprised. He leans over his seat to listen closer.“What? He didn’t say anything to me yesterday though.” A pout formed on his lips, it’s corners downturned. Jongdae stared at him as if wanting to say something but couldn’t. He gives him a reassuring smile instead. “Says he got a fever or something.” Jongdae ruffles his hair and pets him.  Chanyeol’s face morphed into worry. “Don’t worry you big puppy. He’s fine, I called him and he sounds quite fine. He just didn’t want to transfer the cold to everyone else.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

A palm pushed his forehead, whipping his head backwards. He looks up to Sehun looking at him with the deadliest glare. He looked grim and annoyed despite his choice of clothes, a bright aquamarine coat and a white sweater underneath. Sehun clicked his tongue before speaking, “ _ Oh? _ Is that all you have to say?” 

 

Chanyeol blinks. “What?” He asks, puzzled at the attitude Sehun was giving him. Jongdae slaps Sehun’s ass to move him along, but Chanyeol’s mood was already ruined.

 

 And it stayed that way throughout three days two nights of the trip. 

 

Chanyeol immediately phoned Baekhyun the moment they were within calling range. Jongdae had sent Hana and the rest home. But Junmyeon and Sehun had stayed behind claiming that they need to stop somewhere. Sehun sat at the bus stop as he types furiously on his phone as Junmyeon leans his chin on his shoulder to read. 

 

His call went to voicemail and Chanyeol’s stomach plummeted for some reason. He calls again and then another _ — _ every call went unanswered. Chanyeol feels sick with worry in his stomach. And something else. Like a silent warning. 

 

“Have you heard from Baekhyun?” 

 

Sehun stops typing and looks up from his phone. He rolls his eyes. The sight of it makes Chanyeol tick. Annoyed. Unlike his usual feelings towards the younger. “Why do you care?” Sehun asks, thick with hostility. 

 

Something in Chanyeol snaps. “Because I’m his best friend, that’s why!” he says through gritted teeth. 

 

Sehun lets out a groan, standing up. They’re at arms length now, and even with Chanyeol towering over him, Sehun doesn’t look one bit scared. “And that’s  _ fucking _ why _ —’  _ Junmyeon clasped a hand on his shoulder, effectively stopping him. 

 

“Hyung!” he whines, pouting when Junmyeon pulls Sehun behind him and faced Chanyeol instead. Sehun was making a face from behind Junmyeon but Chanyeol decidedly ignores him.

 

“Sorry, Sehun’s being an irritable brat again. I’m sure he’s fine Chanyeol.” Junmyeon consoles him but the look in his eyes says otherwise. 

 

Before Chanyeol could reply, Junmyeon had already bid him goodbye with Sehun in tow. 

 

It’s been three days after the trip and Chanyeol still couldn’t get in touch with Baekhyun himself. With winter break underway, he’s free as man could be. But all he’s been doing is calling, calling _and_ calling Baekhyun _— his_ best friend, the man who could not be reached nor found at the moment. He feels like time is ticking and he’s rushing but what _is_ it? Why does he feel rushed, like there’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in his face? 

 

Hanna lays a hand on his thigh and he sighs. “Chanyeol, I’m sure he’s fine.” 

 

That’s when he snaps, jumping up from his seat on the couch. “ _ Why  _ does everyone say that?” Chanyeol started pacing, his voice is rising by the minute. “He hasn’t answered any of my calls, and when I went to his place, no one was _ —’  _ He blinks. 

 

“No one was there,” he says, quiet this time. Hana looks upset, but he doesn’t seem to realise it. Because he just realised,  _ no one answered the door because no one was there.  _ He slaps his forehead so hard, Hana looks surprised. The slap woke him up. Hard. 

 

Then another one came, he froze in surprise. He brings a hand to feel the stinging pain on his left cheek. His eyes landed on Hana, furious. 

“Chanyeol, will you  _ please _ stop?” 

 

Chanyeol stays rooted at where he is. He had never seen Hana like this. Hana was never the type to complain or get angry and raise her voice. The silence was deafening. But he waits for what’s coming, and he knows.  

 

“Do you only see Baekhyun?” she asks in a quiet voice, her voice breaking. His head snapped up to look at her. Red brimmed, and tear streaked, she looked far more than upset, she looked broken. Chanyeol looks at his feet, feeling guilty of being someone that had not noticed her feelings. He should have cherished her more. But as much as Chanyeol felt guilty, he’s still thinking about Baekhyun and Baekhyun and  _ Baekhyun _ . 

 

She laughs at his silence. It bounces through his apartment sounding hollow.The truth was right there in their face and this time she will acknowledge it. “It was always him,” she says, much calmer this time, accepting. 

 

Something in Chanyeol sinks and he’s desperately trying to bury it. Chanyeol steps forward, tried to take her hand in his. “Hana _ —’  _ She took a step back to avoid his touch and he lets her, defeated. Knowing that it’s best. “Chanyeol. Do you know why I didn’t give you my answer immediately after you asked me out?” 

 

Chanyeol shook his head. He had thought that it was probably because she had dated better people than him. She stares at him for a second then laughs, sounding lighter. Hana wipes a tear away and tries to smile. She steps forward and took his hand in hers. Chanyeol waits silently, let’s her take her time to talk because this was important too. 

 

“It’s because you were already in love with someone else,” she says looking in his eyes. She lets go of his hands and sat on the couch to get her bag. “From the look on your face you must’ve not realised it.” 

 

“What?  _ I’m what?  _ In  _ love _ ? With  _ who _ ?” he asks, his stomach was doing somersaults and he’s unsure of whether it’s good or bad. Hana stands, this time bearing a soft smile on her lips and a look in her eyes that only says one thing _ —pity.  _

 

She circles her arms around his neck to hug him, one last time. Chanyeol who was still in shock of what Hana had told him stood still. She laughs in his ear, breath tingling and whispers, “ _ Dummy _ .” 

 

Hana leaves his apartment quietly, an amused smile on her pink lips. 

  
  


 * 

 

It was Tuesday when Chanyeol finally leaves his home. Three days after Hana had broken up with him and ten days since he’s heard from Baekhyun. He hops into his dad’s old car and drove to the one person who seemed to know what the hell is going on. The snow had stopped and he thinks, that must be a sign for something. For clarity. 

 

He parks and jogs up the stairs of a townhouse. He’s been here. Once or twice, with Baekhyun and the others on a happier occasion. A dark mahogany door stood in front of him. It’s scaring him, or rather what lies behind the door is what scares him. And suddenly Chanyeol is rethinking his plan of asking for…  _ assistance _ from him. He thinks about his pride and how wounded it would it be the moment he knocks on the door. Chanyeol runs a frustrated hand through his hair, holds his breath and knocks, because  _ fuck _ it, Baekhyun is  _ important _ and he needs to know why he had left him in the dust just like that. 

 

He waits a couple of seconds, jittery, his hands are never calm. He was about to bring a hand to knock again when the door opens revealing a disheveled looking Junmyeon. Chanyeol is surprised but Junmyeon seems to be to. “Chanyeol? What brings you here?” Junmyeon asks with a raise of an eyebrow. 

 

“Oh, um, well,” he stutters, he wasn’t ready for this after all, he thinks to himself. 

 

A voice called out from behind Junmyeon. Sehun sidled up to Junmyeon and rested on Junmyeon’s shoulder before pecking the soft crook of the older’s neck. His arms circled around his waist, oblivious to the guest of their shared home. When Sehun looked up, his smile turned sour. Chanyeol’s spirit slumped from the look Sehun gave him. Chanyeol was older, but Sehun had always been someone with strong opinions and that comes with being very expressive with his facial expressions. “What are you doing here?” He asks with acid dripping in his tone. Chanyeol gave him an exasperated look. Sehun gives him a once over and huffs, walking back inside. 

 

Junmyeon who was mostly quiet clasped a hand on his shoulder, giving him a small smile. “Well, come on in then.” Chanyeol nodded and follows the man inside. 

 

He glanced around and saw Sehun sitting on the sofa with his arms crossed. 

 

“Have a seat Chanyeol,” Junmyeon says gesturing to one of the sofas. He nodded and was about to sit but Sehun clicked his tongue, obviously displeased. 

 

Junmyeon sighs. “Sehun,” he says with a warning. Sehun pays him no mind though and continues to look at Chanyeol as if he’s done a crime. 

 

He rubs his the back of his neck and lets out a choked out laugh. He tries to not get ticked off with Sehun’s attitude. On the other hand, he’s also mildly scared that Sehun would actually spill hot chocolate on him. “It’s alright, hyung. I don’t feel like sitting anyway.” 

 

There’s a beat. The firewood crackling filled the silence then Sehun lets out a tired sigh. Chanyeol flinches, knows that he needs to say something but he’s just unsure of where he should begin first. He uncrosses his arms and runs a hand through his face with a groan. “You have 5 seconds to tell me why you’re here, or I swear to God—’

 

Chanyeol speaks up immediately. “I!” He clasped a hand on his mouth, realising that he had raised his voice. Sehun raises an eyebrow. Chanyeol coughs in his hand and calms his heart and finally spills. Everything from what had happened before the trip, minus the whole cuddling and neck licking incident. 

 

By the time he’s done, Sehun’s expression had turned from disgust to pure disbelief. 

 

“So you’re telling me that you don’t know why Baekhyun has suddenly disappeared into thin air?” Chanyeol nods. Sehun leans forward, hands in his head. “Without telling you? His  _ best friend?  _ When he had told everyone else?” Chanyeol nods again before realising what he had said. 

 

“What?” He asks, inching forward in his seat. Junmyeon stayed silent and had opted to lean against one of the sofa instead. Sehun gives him a smirk, and Chanyeol groans. 

 

He crawls up to Sehun and lays his hands on his bony knee. “Sehun, please just tell me where he is.” 

 

Sehun pretends to think, and Chanyeol puts out his best puppy eyes. Pout and all. “Hmm. Nope.”

 

Chanyeol throws his hands in the air in frustration. He plops down on the floor instead, upset. Sehun cackles like an evil witch. 

 

“But I’ll tell you this.” 

 

That immediately caught his attention. Chanyeol turns to face Sehun again. 

  
  


“He’s fine. He’s spending break where his family is.” 

 

Chanyeol blinks. Breathes out a sigh of relief before abruptly standing up. “Why wouldn’t he tell me about that?!” 

 

Sehun then gives him a blank look, leans back on the sofa and crosses his arms. Chanyeol looks stupefied. He _ hates  _ it when Sehun crosses his arms. “Wha- What?” He asks anyway, a mixed of emotions swimming in his stomach like murky water. 

 

“Wanna know what I think?” 

 

Chanyeol nods and kneels, again. It’s a good position when he needs to know something from Sehun. 

 

“He’s avoiding you.” Sehun says, a little to smuggly. Chanyeol wants to wipe off the little smirk on his face. He clenches his teeth and holds back. He needs information after all. 

 

“Why?” He’s surprised from the way he sounds. Curt, cold and steely. A pinch away from screaming with frustration. 

 

“God Chanyeol. Are you  _ dumb _ ? Why the fuck do you think Baekhyun has been avoiding you when he’s been in contact with everyone else, hmm?” Sehun retorts. Every word seems to prick at Chanyeol’s price, ego and heart. 

 

He lunges forward and grabs Sehun by the collar of his shirt. Breathing hard, anger snapping away at his conscience. “You say that again,” he says in a warning voice. Sehun looks surprised but doesn't look even a tad bit scared. 

 

Junmyeon steps in, a firm hand on his shoulder. “Chanyeol, that’s enough.” 

 

He repeats it again, squeezing his shoulder harder, his face impassive, masking untouched anger and a voice so cold and firm, so unlike  the Junmyeon he knows. 

 

“Both of you sit down, and don’t make me repeat it.” 

 

Sehun and Chanyeol glared at each other before atellong on the opposite sides of the couch. The eldest in the room sighs. “Baekhyun is avoiding you Chanyeol.” Chanyeol’s head snapped toward him. His mouth opens to say something but the look on Junmyeon’s face makes him think twice. 

 

“So you should think about you and him. About your relationships with others and how Baekhyun acts around you.” 

 

Chanyeol looks up at Junmyeon looking absolutely clueless, making the elder sigh again. Sehun butts in this time, “For God's sake, Chanyeol. What do you feel about Baekhyun?”

 

“How do I feel about Baekhyun?” 

 

“Don’t say I don’t know, cause I’ll fucking throw you out.” 

 

Junmyeon grunts and glares at Sehun. “Oh Sehun, that’s the second time you’ve cursed tonight. One more and we’re not doing anything.” Sehun immediately shuts up and pouts. Chanyeol decidedly ignores what they would be doing. He has no interest in their kinks. 

 

“Chanyeol, let me ask you a question. Baekhyun had always been by your side, yes?” 

 

Chanyeol nods, not knowing where Junmyeon is going even though the elder knows the history of Baekhyun and him. Junmyeon nods as well, speaking slowly as if Chanyeol was a three year old. 

 

“Well, what if, Baekhyun like someone? How would you feel about that?” 

 

“Well, of course, I’d feel—’ he stops himself. Unsure. Chanyeol is never the type to say anything meaningless, unimportant, untrue. He was always honest when speaking. But this time he couldn’t bring himself to speak honestly. 

 

Junmyeon gives him a smile, similar to what Hana had the day she left him. He blinks and places a hand on his his heart as if to calm the storm that suddenly stormed in. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Between you and me

The door closed with a quiet click. Chanyeol had finally left after understanding what needs to be done about the whole ‘Baekhyun left me’ commotion. Junmyeon pursed his lips and made his way back to the living room. He stops when his eye caught Sehun who sat quietly like a porcelain statue. He was facing the fireplace, drowned in colours of the flame, flickering of yellow and orange and shadows cast on the skin that made him look sombre. Junmyeon unconsciously holds his breath, wanting to stare and observe him. Sehun had always been open with his expressions, words and thoughts, but there are times where he would sit quietly as if lost in his own world, and Junmyeon would get a glimpse of Sehun, raw and unguarded.  _ Untouchable _ . 

 

Junmyeon thought that he was beautiful— he was unlike other boys his age— Sehun was something that he’d never encountered before— he was fresh, funny and sarcastic, but was childlike like a baby. Junmyeon had met Sehun when he was a high school senior and Sehun was merely a junior. Sehun was so young then, he had a lisp, clumsy feet and he’d carelessly declare his love to him. He remembers the first time Sehun had blurted it out. He remembers the red cheeks and wide blown eye, lips pursed into a tight line and everything spelt out hope. He could recall the look that Sehun had when he had awkwardly shake it off; laughed it as a joke because Sehun had confessed to him, even though he had liked it. But they were young, Sehun was  _ so _ young and Junmyeon was just stuck in a place where he has no time to dwell on things such as love. But,  _ what if _ —

 

Junmyeon shakes his head trying to get memories out of his head. 

 

He thinks back to the moment they shared just before Chanyeol had barged in looking like a kicked puppy. He remembers the heat of Sehun’s body that had draped against his, the closeness of their faces, breaths mixing with reserved smiles so private and intimate. Just for them. Just for  _ him _ . Then a brief knock on the door shattered the moment, Junmyeon had a mind to ignore it, wanting to indulge in Sehun— because he’s in his arms, smiling and so  _ beautiful  _ and he doesn’t want to run anymore. He wants to try, he wants to make time. 

 

He remembers how his body had kicked himself into consciousness, like waking up from a dream, jerking away from Sehun. A brief disappointment passed on Sehun’s features, Junmyeon feels guilty but he swallows it, pushes his feelings down in the depths of his heart and mind. He clenched his hands into a fist, lets his nails sink into his palms because he needed the distraction.

 

Junmyeon’s eyes notice the light against Sehun’s cheekbones, the dark shadows that flicker in and out of his face, and his heart beats painfully. Tonight all he wants is Sehun. The moment has passed, but he wants—  _ needs _ it again. He needs to hold him in his arms, to entangle their limbs under the thick blanket, wants the comfort and warmth from Sehun. He wants him again and again so much that he’s incapable of thinking anything but Sehun. So he pushes himself from the wall and sits next to him. He clasped his hands together, puts on a smile and hopes Sehun wants this too. He coughs before he speaks, his voice came out scratchy anyways and he tries to not cringe. “Well, Chanyeol would surely get somewhere from that intervention, huh?”

 

Sehun didn’t answer him. Not immediately anyway. But when he does, it kicked Junmyeon right in his gut. “Hyung,’ Sehun turns to face him, ‘you think they’re silly, right?” he asks— his quiet voice piercing, obsidian irises glinting and dancing slowly from the flames in the fireplace. 

 

Junmyeon holds back a gasp. Unsure of what to say, he frowns, feeling offended. “ _ No, _ ” he says, but sounded petulant anyways. His heart clenched, disappointed at where their conversation was heading. His frown deepened when Sehun shakes his head, not believing his words. He sits up straighter, hands clenched at his sides. Sehun mirrors his position with a look in his eyes that he knows too well. 

 

“Sehun, why are you even saying that?” he asks sounding exasperated even to him. He doesn’t know what’s going on, doesn’t know where Sehun is getting all these ideas from. Sehun smiles, bittersweet. Junmyeon hates the look of it. It was a sign of Sehun relenting, giving in. He feels frustration build at the base of his stomach like a large knot and his heart clenched painfully. Junmyeon feels something in him grasping for words to say,  _ anything _ because he doesn’t want to be misunderstood because he has wasted too much time. What. What _. What.  _ “Hyung,’ Sehun starts again, “I’m tired of this.” His voice was quiet, an almost whisper, brittle and cracked. He shakes his head to clear his mind, his heart and catches the look on Sehun’s face. He  _ does _ look tired and truthfully, Junmyeon was tired too. He was tired of pretending not being madly in love with Sehun. Junmyeon desperately holds back from pulling the younger close to him, from putting an arm around his too wide of a shoulder, from kissing him. But this doesn’t seem to be time to be doing that. A voice at the back of his mind nags at him, _ when will there  _ be _ time?  _ Junmyeon presses his lips together, focuses on his hands on his lap, hoping that this is just a tantrum that Sehun is throwing.

 

Sehun leans forward in his seat, his head in his hands. There’s a sound of the shuddering intake of breath. He’s crying, Junmyeon thinks. He knows without even looking at him. But he knows Sehun has more to say, and this time, he’s willing to listen, willing to give him time — to give  _ them  _ time. He waits with bated breath for Sehun to continue. Sehun looks up his dark hair falling into his eyes, gaze fixed at Junmyeon. Junmyeon clenches his hands into a fist— he wants to wipe his tears away. 

 

“I don’t want to be like Baekhyun hyung,” he says, sounding even more broken. Junmyeon feels it too. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He doesn’t know what to say, or what he had wanted to say anymore. How could they be happy and sad the next? Sehun holds a hand up to stop him anyway.

 

He takes another breath to calm himself. “So,’ he clears his throat, blinks the tears away and faces Junmyeon with a straighter back, “So,’ he repeats, his voice turning hard, “Hyung, tell me your answer now. How do you feel about me?” 

 

Junmyeon stays silent. And for every second that he keeps his lips screwed together, he could feel the strain in their relationship.  _ As what? _ he thinks. There was no relationship, they weren’t like  _ that _ . They weren’t, he thinks, but they seemed to have crossed the line of being just friends and lovers. He hated how he had always pushed him away after indulging in Sehun’s warmth, his safety and the brief calm before he faces the world again. Sehun deserves better,  _ more _ . He thinks back to all the times they had found comfort in each other’s warmth, skin and— it’s  _ complicated.  _ Sehun had wanted to and he— God knows he wants it too, but he  _ couldn’t _ . Too much was at stake, back then. Sehun was—  _ is _ so young, and Junmyeon is  _ just _ boring old Junmyeon. Sehun could do better in his choice of finding a lover. He only looks up when he hears a burst of laughter coming from Sehun. It bounced against the walls of the room, hollow and fragile, so much like them now. The laughter stops and a sob racked from Sehun. He looks away, lets his eyes watch the fire. He doesn’t want to look at him, but he knows Sehun— knows how he is, and how he works, knows all the good and bad things. He knows that Sehun hates crying, so he could picture him in his head: a great tremor shaking his body, shoulders slumped, eyes squeezed shut as he tries to hold back hot tears. “Why didn’t you just reject me?” he asks between sobs. 

 

“I told you I liked you. I like you so much. I hate that I keep on—’ he swallows a sob, “Did you think that it was a joke? Did you  _ want _ it to be a joke? Cause you were disgusted?” Something in Junmyeon squeezed and jumped, he looks at Sehun and it was a mistake. 

 

“Sehun, that’s not—’ He turns to him and insists, tries to slip a hand to grab Sehun’s clenched ones.

 

Sehun was no longer holding his tears or his words back. “ _Don’t,”_ he pleads, lips trembling and he wipes his tears away harshly using the back of his hand. He takes in a breath as if to calm himself but his voice cracks anyway, “ _Please_ don’t, don’t do that. You can’t do this to me.”

 

“Do  _ what _ ?” Junmyeon asks, exasperated. He can’t think anymore and apart of him thinks whether he’s been infected with a Chanyeol kind of stupid. 

 

Sehun makes a sound in his throat between a groan and whine and abruptly stands looking frustrated and shaking with disappointment and woe. “Leading me on! You don’t even love me, yet—’ 

 

Junmyeon feels himself go cold. The words from Sehun’s mouth was ridiculous. He felt his body go still, and everything has lost its warmth. His shoulder sagged and he could feel the tiredness and disappointment and anger and—  _ want _ . He was so tired of pretending that everything is fine, that he’s fine without Sehun because Sehun was all he needed and all he wants. Something in Junmyeon cracks, and he could feel his heart lurching and thumping and desperate to let out everything that he’s holding back.  _ God _ , he’s not thinking. There’s  _ no _ time to think, not when Sehun is like this: crying, disappointed, angry and frustrated. Junmyeon doesn’t  _ want _ to think. For the love of God, he wants to stop thinking and  _ just _ do. After everything they did together, all those private moments of hands finding each other under the table, the cuddles at night, the shy smiles and laughter from under the blanket and over breakfast, had it not meant anything to Sehun? Had it not screamed ‘I love you’ in all his actions? He had not said it, but  _ surely  _ Sehun must’ve gotten it. He stood quickly on his feet, looking mighty offended and red in the face like a cooked lobster. “I didn’t say that I didn’t love you!” 

 

Sehun groans and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. He took one fiery look at Junmyeon and lurches forward to grab a fist of his shirt. “Then say it!” he demands, voice tight tinged with frustration and anger and hope. And Junmyeon knows that this is _the_ _time_. His eyes were bright with fire and it sparked something in him— a fire he had desperately dimmed, and this time it burns bright. He breathes in and out: let it be— _let it go._

 

Junmyeon leans forward, places two palms on Sehun’s wet cheeks and presses his lips against Sehun’s own.    
  


A gasp erupted from his lips, and in Sehun’s shock from  _ Junmyeon _ kissing  _ him _ , he had pushed him away. His fingers touched his lips that had briefly met with Junmyeon’s lips.  _ They had kissed.  _ His pupils seemed to shake as he meets Junmyeon’s sure gaze. Junmyeon curses under his breath and runs a hand through his hair, pushing any doubts because,  _ fuck _ he kissed Sehun— _ it feels damn good _ .

 

“ _ Come here _ ,” his voice dipping like dark timber as he allows himself to watch Sehun. This time, he wants to see and feel and hear everything. He takes in how Sehun had shivered and trembled with just his voice, his eyes and Junmyeon just wants him under him, on top of him— he just wants Sehun. 

 

_ Finally, its time.  _

  
  


* 

 

Snow blew down at Bucheon in a soft and slow cascading moment. It sparkled in the ray of sunshine that had finally peeked through the dark grey clouds. Baekhyun watches it fall and fall and fall. It’s never-ending, but it dulls his mind and his body like a good long brain freeze. He figures he needed it. Needed to stop thinking and feeling because he’s done too much and now, he’s just tired from everything. Going back to Bucheon had always been his plan, albeit it happened sooner than he had expected. But, he’s back in the town that he left six years ago when he was eager to find Chanyeol and to be his  _ best friend.  _

 

A heavy hand dropped on his shoulder, startling him from his thoughts and nostalgia. 

 

“What are you doing outside in this kind of weather?” his grandfather asked. His voice was soft and rough with old age. He was in a thick padded coat and boots. 

 

Baekhyun coughed when his saliva stuck in his dry throat. “I was just admiring the view.” 

 

His grandfather didn’t say anything but folded his hands behind his back as if he didn’t know where he should place them. They fell into silence as if there was quiet music playing. Baekhyun turns to his grandfather and noticed how old he had looked since the last time he saw him. The man had more wrinkles on his face, his eyes had turned small and grey, he was more hunched as if he was carrying something very heavy and his mouth was set in a straight line in an expression he had carried for a few days since.. Baekhyun pushes himself from leaning against the porch and stood straight. “Grandpa,” he said, his voice was surprisingly small and soft as if he was still that young kid who had been crying when he fell, “I miss her.” 

 

The older man looked at his grandson and he smiled for the first time in the long days of winter. He looks down in his hand and started twisting the silver band on his skinny finger. “I miss her too.” 

 

Baekhyun stares at him and he feels like he had swollen lead. It dawned on him that he could never get married and have kids like his grandparents and parents. He could never be normal. Baekhyun was never normal. He had never felt normal. If he was normal, would he had been happy? His heart clenched that mirrored his fists and he looked down at his own feet, feeling guilty and ugly and everything that’s  _ not _ normal. Baekhyun blinked back tears. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he suddenly blurts out. 

 

His grandfather looks over at him then narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him. “Did you eat my Mochi Bun again?” 

 

Baekhyun shakes his head. He feels like a child. 

 

A pair of brown boots came into his view. His grandfather reached out to grip his shoulder, strong and sure as if to reassure him that it was okay, that everything is and will be okay. 

 

“Why are you sorry Baekhyun?”

 

His gaze meets his grandfather’s. A tear escaped and streamed down like shameful evidence of what he is and what he could never be. “Because I’m me.”

 

“Oh my boy,’ his grandfather reached to pat his cheeks and dried his tears with his thumb, “You are just you and like your gran always said, everyone, is their own self.” Baekhyun sniffed and shook his head. He’s finally going to say it. And for the first time ever, he didn’t have any plans, no lists and scripts to follow. 

 

“No, it’s not that. I’m just—’ he takes a deep breath and wipes at his cheeks with the back of his hand harshly; his grandfather stood in front of him still and listening, “I’m just— I’m— I like boys grandpa.”

 

His grandfather’s eyes turned wide like saucers. “Well— I,” he holds a finger to Baekhyun’s face to say that he needs a moment. His grandfather turned away and sat down at the bench just outside their door. Baekhyun feels terrible. What had he  _ done _ ? 

 

“Come, Baekhyun.” his grandfather calls from his seat. He pats the bench for Baekhyun to sit on. Baekhyun looks sceptical but sits anyway.

 

“Mina had always been so beautiful, even back then.’ he suddenly said, his eyes were glossy and far away as if he had jumped back into time. 

 

“Everyone had liked her, including me,” he says and turns to look at his grandson with a smile playing on his lips before looking back at the descent of snowflakes to the white ground. “And a few couple of ladies as well.” 

 

Baekhyun whipped his head to face his grandfather. He had many questions but his voice didn’t come.

 

His grandfather faced him instead. “Your grandmother was loved fiercely by many, and she loved just as fiercely as they did. I had prejudiced about her and who she had loved, but when I saw her, somehow I understood.”

 

Baekhyun couldn’t wrap his mind about what his grandpa just said. His mouth opened and closed before he finally settled on a question. “Understood what?” 

 

His grandfather’s eyes turned soft like the way his gaze had always turned when it fell on his grandmother. “Love, of course. I understood that love is so abstract that no dictionary definition of it could describe it as how I felt it; it’s  _ because  _ of how different I felt love, I believe that it must be different to others as well.” 

 

“Oh.” That was all he could say. He had no idea of what he should think of except Chanyeol back home. 

 

A chuckle erupted from his grandfather. “Your grandmother had the same look when I told her that.” 

 

Baekhyun suddenly felt conscious and covered his cheeks, trying to school his expressions. He faced the scenery and watched the stillness of a cold winter. The corners of his lips turned up when his mind lingers on his memories of Chanyeol shivering in the cold, with wind-whipped hair and red-tipped noses and ears, and  _ always  _ complaining. 

 

The old man snorted. It sounded like a loud rip in the quiet. Baekhyun looks over at him, but the man looked forward a gentle smile playing on his lips, the kind of smile he usually has whenever his eyes land on his wife. “From the look on your face, I’d think that you have someone right now.” 

 

“What? No!  _ No.”  _ Baekhyun splutters, his hands waving around as if there’s smoke in front of his face. He stops himself when he realises how silly he must’ve looked. Baekhyun looks down at his hands that laid quietly on his lap. 

 

A rough hand reached over and patted his hand comfortingly. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Bobohu,” he said in a gentle voice. Baekhyun pursed his lips, thinking about what he could say, should say and after a brief moment of silence, he settled on what he wants to say. 

 

“No— well— I,’ he clears his throat and grimaces, so much for being eloquent with words, “Yes, I loved someone.”

 

“Loved?” he asks, turning to face his grandson obviously intrigued. “Did you break up with him?”

 

“No!” Baekhyun shakes his head and looks at his hands and his memories of wanting to make himself more like Chanyeol’s ideal type flashed through his mind, he smiles and shakes it away before it consumes him. “No, um, he— we never— I could  _ never.”  _ Baekhyun could not help but sound dejected. 

 

“Well, why not?”

 

He sighs heavily. “Grandpa, he’s straight.”

 

“Gee, well, thanks,” he said in mock hurt. 

 

Baekhyun lets out a laugh but it sounded strained even to his grandfather. “Baekhyun, did you ask him what he thought of you?” 

 

He looks away. He  _ didn’t  _ have to ask, he knows. Chanyeol liked girls, specifically small, petite girls that he can cuddle and hug. Baekhyun was  _ not  _ a girl, and  _ not  _ small at all (despite what Sehun says). “Well no I—”

His grandfather makes a face that looked like a mixture of saying ‘I can’t believe you’re my grandson’ and ‘I can’t believe you’re so stupid’. “Then how do you know he’s straight?” 

 

“He’s dated girls!” Baekhyun exclaims frustrated with the whole conversation. He feels defensive suddenly because he started thinking about the what- _ ifs.  _ And that was never a good thing. 

 

“Your grandma dated girls,” he said and shrugged, “and look who she ended up with.” 

 

“Grandpa,” Baekhyun said, he could feel tiredness creeping in his voice, “that’s not how it works.”

 

The old man chuckled softly as he gets up. “Times have changed, yes, but love and the way how it should be professed had never changed.” Baekhyun looks up at him, knowing that that’s not the end of it. “And?” He places a hand on his grandson’s shoulder, patting him like the wise old man he is. “And it should always come from here’ he points to Baekhyun’s heart, and temple “and here.” 

 

Beat. Baekhyun blinks, trying to make sense of what was just said. He frowns slightly at the vagueness in his ‘advice’. Baekhyun tries to ask him what he had meant but his grandfather had already left him to his own thoughts. He snorts quietly feeling slightly ridiculous for having to rely on a  90 year old man for love advice but he felt as if the weight in his chest had finally lightened. He smiles slowly from the upward curve of the corner of his lips to a wide lip stretching grin, then he’s laughing, it sounded light and airy. 

 

A faint crunch of snow was unheard to him. Baekhyun was lost in his own world, laughing like a mad man. But it all came crashing down, slapping him in the face leaving him breathless and choked and lost of words. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the most difficult chapter for me >.< Comments, feedbacks and kudos are appreciated! Hit me up in twitter @moymoonlight if you'd like to talk!
> 
> Thanks for reading this far!


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